Day 194

          True love still exists. I just saw it happen in my apartment complex, in the building across my street. I was sitting on my balcony, writing melancholy poetry...like I do, when I heard "Red Dirt Road" playing quite loudly (that's a country song for you uneducated folks ;) ). Of course I get up to see what all the noise was about, because I was enjoying the quiet pre-rain weather, when what do I see but a man holding a boombox over his head. Boombox? Seriously? Who still owns a boombox? Of course shortly after a woman and her kid come out on the balcony and then she runs back inside and comes out the garage. They hug and dance until the song is over, and then he says "Happy anniversary  I love you." No one believes me when I say I have really good hearing. I want someone like that in my life. Not him, he was probably my parents' age, but someone who is a romantic at heart.
         This whole year has been about renewing my faith in love, and while I have grown, I don't think I made any progress towards that goal until today. I was not bitter, I did not think to myself, "That'll never happen to me." Today was the first day in a long time that I cried out of the beauty of love. How is it, that we have created a world where it's nearly impossible to believe in love? Where the damaged prey on the innocent, tearing them down and turning them into a copy of themselves? How is this possible? Today, I reclaim my soul as a romantic, a dreamer, and a lover. Yes, I'm still complicated and recovering and a force to be reckoned with. But I can now say, without a doubt, I believe in love. I don't remember the last time I was able to say that. I can say it now, and that's all that really matters.

Lesson:

True love still exists.

Day 192

         Consumerism has a hold on us all. We are not self sufficient. I admit, I am  part of the problem. There is a root to this belief system though. We must ask ourselves WHY consumerism plays such a large role in our lives. Why don't we want to be self sufficient? I'm pretty sure the answer is that we believe we deserve better than having to do our own work. We think that we are above any particular sort of work, and that someone else should have to do it. We all want to be rich and famous. We all want to have the money not to work. Really evaluate the type of morals behind this. Would I love not to work? My initial response is yes, but when I really start to think about it, unless I'm raising children (a full time job in itself) I would go crazy if I wasn't working. We have become shallow as a race, and I think it's time to take back our souls.
          The green revolutions is, in general, a bunch of hokum. Unless you're seeking sustainable product, you're still screwing the environment. I'm glad it's got more people looking at caring for this planet, but you should care about our planet because it's the only one we have, not because it's popular. Do your best, but also do your research. Those antibacterial soaps you're using are terrible for the environment and your health, yet no one seems to do their research. All bacteria are bad we're taught. Our bodies could not survive without bacteria. Please, do your research  Look at both sides, and take a stand. Take time to actually look at your life and decide whether or not you will follow what the corporations pay millions to tell you that you should.

Lesson:

Don't just follow the crowd; be informed.

Day 191

     I want to talk about darkness. Humanity is obsessed with light and dark. Light is good, dark is bad. Look at one of the most popular mainstream religions, God is everlasting light. Do you know what consistent light does to the human body? I promise you, it's not pretty. I know, I know, it's a metaphor. But, seriously...think about it. Without darkness there is no light. We are so inherently afraid of darkness, we forget the light can hide just as many dangers as the dark. We also forget that there must be balance in the universe and within ourselves. I do not encourage the type of darkness that makes serial killers kill, but the darkness of grief and sorrow and pain. We must fight what society deems evil and learn it is not okay to hate part of our natural state.
          I am myself. I am both light and dark. This is okay. Everyone has a dark side, but the point is not to hide from it, but rather embrace it as part of yourself. Do not fear your own strength or your own weakness. We are all human. To love ourselves, we must love ALL of ourselves. The poem I wrote yesterday spoke of expecting a monster and finding a scared child instead. That's because the darkness within us stems from fear. All of our anger and hatred stem from our fears, our insecurities. So, it is time to take that child under our wing and begin to truly live. To accept every part of ourselves, and embrace life as a whole. Not only the light, for the dark is inevitable. Why not enjoy it?

Lesson:

Our darkness is just as important as our light.

Day 190

The Belly of the Beast

A hero's journey
Within; The darkness
The brave
The bold
The broken.

Many have made this journey
Many have fallen.

Some terrible monster

must lie within

This belly of the beast.

I scaled the mountain

And on that distant shore,

Lie that terrible beast,

Mouth wide and waiting.

That beast lie there,

On that wretched beach

Salt water crashing

Against its leather skin.

I climbed within the mouth.

A hero does not waiver.

A hero does not retreat.

I found myself in the belly of the beast.

There I was,

Cold and shaking

Barely breathing,

But a monster, I did not find.

A child, instead

Huddled in the corner,

Shivering.

How does one fight a child?

Many a day

Many a night

I pondered this question

With the acid lapping at my boots.

And in the stillness,

I took a breath.

I wrapped this child in my arms.

I said, "Be still, I am here."

I said, "You are loved."

I said, "You are safe."

I said, "You are me."

And with that,

The beast spit me out.

The child I could not see.

But deep in my heart

A gentle whisper,

"You are me."

I turned to face the beast,

But there was none.

I turned to climb the mountains,

But there were none.

I am me.

I am the mountains.

I am the child.

I am the beast.

I am infinite.

I found myself in the belly of the beast.

Day 172

           Despite how refreshing my night was last night, it seems to have uncovered some things that were buried deeper than I've ever been on this journey or any before it. I have realized I deal with a lot of shame. I have spoken before on the importance of forgiving yourself, and none of this is an overnight process, each time you make the realization, you forgive a little deeper and chip away at the weight of the shame holding you down. I have been having revelation after revelation when it comes to me forgiving myself and letting go of my shame. Today I was able to ask myself , "By what scale do I judge myself?" The answer shocked me.
          I have long since rejected general Christianity as the religion for me. I still think Christ was an amazing person who taught amazing lessons, but I think the religion is used to control the masses as opposed to bring them closer to God. How could I support a religion that views women as inherently evil...as unclean.I am neither evil, nor unclean. By many Christian standards I am, though. And, having been raised in a Christian household, and I am discovering I have not let go of those beliefs. I know longer tell people I am Christian, and yet I hold myself to their morals. No wonder I feel a little bipolar. This was a hard realization for me, enough that I spent an hour picking at myself this morning as I tried to wrap my mind around it. I think there are universal laws, such as murder is bad (I do not view self defense as murder), however, we each must live our lives by our own morals, the ones we chose, the ones we feel in our hearts. If you feel the Bible adheres to your morals have at, if not, find your own.
          I have slept with a lot of people. I have been divorced twice. I am bisexual.I eat meat. I eat sweets. I don't exercise every day. There are so many things that I do in my life that makes Christianity think I am somehow less. I am not less. I am not ashamed of what I have done. Well, right now I am, but goal is not to be. Now, I must begin the daunting process of digging deeper, and finding my own beliefs. I do not have to live my morals by the beliefs of others. I am very afraid, but I have the feeling that the amount of release I will feel when I finally start living by my rules will far outweigh any fears I have right now.

Lesson:

Live your life according your morals and no one else's.

Day 171

         This is more of a rant, so if you're not interested click away. Swagger vs Swag. I loath the word "Swag." I loath it in the most adamant way possible. There is NOTHING about this word like I like. Swag encourages young people that an education isn't important and that how you are perceived is how you are defined. A man can have swagger which I'm fairly neutral on, but it's an education that's attractive to me. Swag is a picture of what is wrong with our society. Swag is about disrespect towards oneself and others, along with outright laziness. We should be encouraging children to excel, not to float through life on "swag." Now, I understand the need to break away from mainstream society, but the manner in which individuals with "swag" do it, is just...disgusting. You deserve better, and the people around you deserve better. There are other ways to fight the system other than dressing above your budget and not paying your bills. It makes me sad that society has come to this. And while I am aware that it's my opinion, it changes nothing. I will not date men who use that word (or YOLO) for the sheer sake that I deserve better. I deserve and educated man who doesn't need a society approved lifestyle to succeed. I want a man, not a boy.

Lessons:

Opinions are just that, opinions. Take it or leave it.

Day 169

          I really just don't know how to set priorities. I always think I have them straight, and then I realize afterwards there was a much better way to prioritize my to do list. While I was seeing my last psychologist, she recommended writing down 3 things you want to get done each day in order of importance, for example: finish paper, change car oil, plan next week's menu. Importance in this case is defined by consequences. Paper is due tomorrow, car oil could wait another week, and no one will die if you don't menu plan even if it does save money. I have stopped doing that, and I feel like my grades have suffered because of it. On top or those three things, it is best to try to get them done ASAP. Try to set a specific time to get all of those things done, and while you can multitask, it's not recommended. You can work on a paper while at the shop getting your oil changed (if you don't do it yourself), but it'd be better just to sit down and get it done. Having remembered this, I'm going to start trying to prioritize better, and maybe then I'll be able to pass my Anatomy & Physiology II class. Well, I'm off to study for an A&P II test, wish me luck!

Lesson:

Learn to prioritize.