Day 194

          True love still exists. I just saw it happen in my apartment complex, in the building across my street. I was sitting on my balcony, writing melancholy poetry...like I do, when I heard "Red Dirt Road" playing quite loudly (that's a country song for you uneducated folks ;) ). Of course I get up to see what all the noise was about, because I was enjoying the quiet pre-rain weather, when what do I see but a man holding a boombox over his head. Boombox? Seriously? Who still owns a boombox? Of course shortly after a woman and her kid come out on the balcony and then she runs back inside and comes out the garage. They hug and dance until the song is over, and then he says "Happy anniversary  I love you." No one believes me when I say I have really good hearing. I want someone like that in my life. Not him, he was probably my parents' age, but someone who is a romantic at heart.
         This whole year has been about renewing my faith in love, and while I have grown, I don't think I made any progress towards that goal until today. I was not bitter, I did not think to myself, "That'll never happen to me." Today was the first day in a long time that I cried out of the beauty of love. How is it, that we have created a world where it's nearly impossible to believe in love? Where the damaged prey on the innocent, tearing them down and turning them into a copy of themselves? How is this possible? Today, I reclaim my soul as a romantic, a dreamer, and a lover. Yes, I'm still complicated and recovering and a force to be reckoned with. But I can now say, without a doubt, I believe in love. I don't remember the last time I was able to say that. I can say it now, and that's all that really matters.

Lesson:

True love still exists.

Day 164

          Have you ever had someone say something to you that just made you think and think, and that was all you could think about? That happened to me today. I'm struggling with my inner self, trying to work out where I stand on the subject in relation to what I thought before and after I talked to them. I tend to do this a lot. I do not want to follow blindly, but then again, I don't want  to be close-minded. I seek to listen, comprehend, weigh the opinions and facts of the matter, and then make my decision.  It has a lot to do with integrity and whether or not I'm willing to make a choice, and stand by it...AND making that choice based on my beliefs and no one else's. By integrity, I mean the ability to be who you really are instead of caving to what others want you to be.
          Currently, I am in the "weighing the opinions and facts of the matter" stage. It's rather complicated and I feel as if my mind has thought itself into a knot. Luckily, no immediate decision is needed. It just gave me something to really think about. I think it's good to listen to others' opinions, even if you don't agree. I think that if you shut yourself off to things you don't want to hear, you cannot grow. Growth is an important part of human development, and many people avoid because it is uncomfortable. I've had several people tell me that I've "changed" over the past couple years. My response is that I haven't changed, I'm still me after all, I've just grown. This connects back to a self help book I've been reading. Yes, I read them. Yes, if you find the right ones (the majority are crap) they can help by making you question your preconceived ideas. Anyways, back to the point, it was that when someone grows, it brings to light whether or not the other person in the relationship (any kind of relationship) is also growing, and that when they're not all of their insecurities come to surface. I think that one of the most important things I've learned during this process is to recognize what the differences between my own thoughts and the thoughts of my insecurities are.
          One last note before I go to bed. Once you learn to recognize the voice of your insecurities, you then learn how to tell the difference between the voices of others and whether or not they're speaking from themselves or from their insecurities.

Lesson:

Hear your voice, not that of your insecurities.