Day 194

          True love still exists. I just saw it happen in my apartment complex, in the building across my street. I was sitting on my balcony, writing melancholy poetry...like I do, when I heard "Red Dirt Road" playing quite loudly (that's a country song for you uneducated folks ;) ). Of course I get up to see what all the noise was about, because I was enjoying the quiet pre-rain weather, when what do I see but a man holding a boombox over his head. Boombox? Seriously? Who still owns a boombox? Of course shortly after a woman and her kid come out on the balcony and then she runs back inside and comes out the garage. They hug and dance until the song is over, and then he says "Happy anniversary  I love you." No one believes me when I say I have really good hearing. I want someone like that in my life. Not him, he was probably my parents' age, but someone who is a romantic at heart.
         This whole year has been about renewing my faith in love, and while I have grown, I don't think I made any progress towards that goal until today. I was not bitter, I did not think to myself, "That'll never happen to me." Today was the first day in a long time that I cried out of the beauty of love. How is it, that we have created a world where it's nearly impossible to believe in love? Where the damaged prey on the innocent, tearing them down and turning them into a copy of themselves? How is this possible? Today, I reclaim my soul as a romantic, a dreamer, and a lover. Yes, I'm still complicated and recovering and a force to be reckoned with. But I can now say, without a doubt, I believe in love. I don't remember the last time I was able to say that. I can say it now, and that's all that really matters.

Lesson:

True love still exists.

Day 115

           I don't know anyone who hasn't heard the phrase, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." It means that what some find ugly, others find beautiful. As I walked by a mirror in my house, I noticed my reflection. For one brief moment I captured by my beauty. My curves, my paleness, my eyes, my lips, my skin. I am beautiful. This realization only lasted a few moments, and I started to see pudge, acne, and my washed out appearance. That one moment got me thinking. Why do I not consider myself beautiful. I know I'm not unattractive, but I've never understood how people call me down right "beautiful." Something has happened in my mind. I have a warped self image. How do I fix this? I tried walking by the mirror again several times and I could not bring myself to see what I had just a few minutes before, but what has been seen cannot be unseen. I now know I am beautiful, and nothing can take that away. I think now, I must fight a battle of perception. Every time I hear a negative thought, I must remind myself it is not true. I have seen my beauty, I must remember what is true. I shall maintain my mission for better health, I want to live a long life. This goal is no longer superficial though, I am not working out and eating healthy to look pretty...I already am. I am seeking to care for myself, not to impress others. I think this realization is one of the greatest I've had during this year to renewing my faith in love.

Lesson:

What has been seen cannot be unseen.

Day 64

          I feel like all I do these days is work and sleep. That I have lost all sense of who I am. That I have lost all sense of purpose. Yet, I feel like the old saying is true. It is always darkest before the dawn. I plan to live a full and happy life, so this is only the darkness before the dawn. I feel like if I have faith and continue forward that I will soon leave this darkness behind. I don't really know where I got this hope from...do all people have it? Is it just a select few? Who are we that we never lose hope. I have been discouraged several times, but I have never given up hop. I have always found a way to move forward, even when life has brought me to my knees. What is it that gives me hope? Or is it hope at all? What if it is sheer stubbornness ..I wouldn't put it past me. Either way, I must continue.

Lesson:

It doesn't really matter why you continue, just as long as you do.