Day 191

     I want to talk about darkness. Humanity is obsessed with light and dark. Light is good, dark is bad. Look at one of the most popular mainstream religions, God is everlasting light. Do you know what consistent light does to the human body? I promise you, it's not pretty. I know, I know, it's a metaphor. But, seriously...think about it. Without darkness there is no light. We are so inherently afraid of darkness, we forget the light can hide just as many dangers as the dark. We also forget that there must be balance in the universe and within ourselves. I do not encourage the type of darkness that makes serial killers kill, but the darkness of grief and sorrow and pain. We must fight what society deems evil and learn it is not okay to hate part of our natural state.
          I am myself. I am both light and dark. This is okay. Everyone has a dark side, but the point is not to hide from it, but rather embrace it as part of yourself. Do not fear your own strength or your own weakness. We are all human. To love ourselves, we must love ALL of ourselves. The poem I wrote yesterday spoke of expecting a monster and finding a scared child instead. That's because the darkness within us stems from fear. All of our anger and hatred stem from our fears, our insecurities. So, it is time to take that child under our wing and begin to truly live. To accept every part of ourselves, and embrace life as a whole. Not only the light, for the dark is inevitable. Why not enjoy it?

Lesson:

Our darkness is just as important as our light.

Day 161

          My life has been a blur recently. I'm not living up to my own expectations. I think I'm done with expectations. It's good to have hopes and dreams, but I expect far too much of myself. I have done incredible things in my life time. I'm not a super hero or a demigod. I am, however, full of magic and mystery.  I think our society's obsession with perfection, and super heroes with inhuman powers all stem from the same feelings of inadequacy, nothing more. We are beautiful just the way we are, in every aspect that we are. Those feelings of inadequacy form darkness within us where there was originally none. Look at our school system, we test memorization, not application. Students can cheat in school, but you cannot really cheat in real life; you can Google just about anything you don't know and your employer likes that you take initiative to learn something you didn't originally  There is something terribly wrong with our school systems and it is a reflection of what is wrong with our society.
          I am taking back my expectations. I refuse to live my life in accordance with others. I have a good heart, and when there isn't any pressure to be perfect, I flourish. So, why should I constantly suffer through feelings of inadequacy because I'm an not what others want? I will decide what I want, what is best for me, and how the hell to live my life. Anything else would be makings of unhappiness.

Lesson:

Do not live your life in accordance with others' expectations.

Day 63

          Today I woke up unhappy, and then I realized that I've been unhappy for quite some time. I am struggling. Depression has taken a deep root in my heart again. The most I can do is wait it out. Each day, I try to make decisions that will bring me joy, as I struggle to keep myself from hiding in my bed. I'm not sure why I feel like the dark is closing around me again, however I refuse to falter. I still feel in my heart that coming out here was the right thing to do and I shall do my best to stay positive.

Lesson:
Sometimes you just have to carry on.