Day 131

     So much clutter is gone. You can even see the floor to my closet. I'm actually happy today, as I was yesterday, and I realize that I am very uncomfortable being happy. I have no idea how to handle this. How silly is that? I don't know how to handle my own happiness. It's okay, though. I am learning as I go. I don't plan on letting this go anytime soon. I'll just have to get used to my own happiness. I think a lot of it has to do with my doing yoga. I am making an effort to  do it about 4 times a week, walking on the other days. I know that working out increases serotonin which helps fight depression, fibromayalgia, and chronic fatigue syndrome  as well as the effects of arthritis (all of which I have), but each and every one of those things make it difficult to get out of bed in the morning. Now, however, I have some momentum, and I want to keep it up. I've realized that I let these diseases and my stress get in the way of my productiveness, because I fear what I will become. I fear the me that isn't hindered by anything, that is truly me. Well, I'm ready to meet me...to be me. Well, now I'm off to be productive today as well! Have an excellent day!

Lesson:

I seriously have to stop  standing in my own way to discovering my true self.

Day 67

          I have faced many things in my life, including depression. Yet, no matter how often I tell myself my depression is nothing more than a chemical imbalance, I can't seem to pull myself out. I work, I sleep, I clean, and yet I cannot drag myself out of bed. I find myself panicked by the thought of school starting. It's my last semester of my associate degree and yet I still can barely contain my fear. I wish to find my center so that I may face this fear with calmness. However, I find myself falling short. Yet, I only fall short in my eyes and no one else's, I suppose I should be kinder to myself. Allow myself to be human. I feel as of that is going to be much harder than it sounds.

Lesson:

Do not allow your expectations to ruin what you actually accomplish.

Day 66

          Today, I was not nearly as productive as yesterday. I have been seeking the root of my depression. I know most of it is just a chemical imbalance in my brain, but then I really look at my life it's hard not to see everything that has lead me to this moment. The most devastating is losing my child and my husband thereafter. I have watched several movies and read many books that have touched on the subject of miscarriage. None of them do the pain justice. I know many of my friends have gotten annoyed with me...lingering on the subject. They wonder why I just can't get over it. Some of them have dealt with it. All I can say is that every person is different, every person deals with pain differently. I have so much guilt since that day. I always feel like it's my fault. Just like I feel like Michael leaving me was my fault. I get depressed, it takes me a long time to pull myself out. I am like two different people. I know this about myself, I'm not really sure how to change it, or if I should. Would I be denying who I am, or would I be changing for the better?

Lesson:

There is not always a clear answer.

Day 65

           I can tell I'm avoiding something deeper...I'm cleaning again. On the bright side, I took care of a lot of clutter. I guess it's a positive/productive way to avoid something. I know that I am avoiding emailing my program director for my internship, because I can't think of what to say. I'm also avoid delving deeper into why I am depressed...although, I'm pretty sure it's because I'm lonely and we're coming up on February. To anyone who doesn't know me, I found out two years ago that I had miscarried on February 1st. I already had bad luck when it came to that month, so the miscarriage didn't help. Now, just before February hits I fall into a deep depression, last year it required medication...this year I don't have insurance, so I don't have a choice but to make it through somehow. I refuse to give up, I refuse to back down.

Lesson:

Sometimes we avoid thing. It is inevitable. So, we might as well make ourselves productive while we're at it.

His mustache makes me smile...a lot.

Day 63

          Today I woke up unhappy, and then I realized that I've been unhappy for quite some time. I am struggling. Depression has taken a deep root in my heart again. The most I can do is wait it out. Each day, I try to make decisions that will bring me joy, as I struggle to keep myself from hiding in my bed. I'm not sure why I feel like the dark is closing around me again, however I refuse to falter. I still feel in my heart that coming out here was the right thing to do and I shall do my best to stay positive.

Lesson:
Sometimes you just have to carry on.