Day 164

          Have you ever had someone say something to you that just made you think and think, and that was all you could think about? That happened to me today. I'm struggling with my inner self, trying to work out where I stand on the subject in relation to what I thought before and after I talked to them. I tend to do this a lot. I do not want to follow blindly, but then again, I don't want  to be close-minded. I seek to listen, comprehend, weigh the opinions and facts of the matter, and then make my decision.  It has a lot to do with integrity and whether or not I'm willing to make a choice, and stand by it...AND making that choice based on my beliefs and no one else's. By integrity, I mean the ability to be who you really are instead of caving to what others want you to be.
          Currently, I am in the "weighing the opinions and facts of the matter" stage. It's rather complicated and I feel as if my mind has thought itself into a knot. Luckily, no immediate decision is needed. It just gave me something to really think about. I think it's good to listen to others' opinions, even if you don't agree. I think that if you shut yourself off to things you don't want to hear, you cannot grow. Growth is an important part of human development, and many people avoid because it is uncomfortable. I've had several people tell me that I've "changed" over the past couple years. My response is that I haven't changed, I'm still me after all, I've just grown. This connects back to a self help book I've been reading. Yes, I read them. Yes, if you find the right ones (the majority are crap) they can help by making you question your preconceived ideas. Anyways, back to the point, it was that when someone grows, it brings to light whether or not the other person in the relationship (any kind of relationship) is also growing, and that when they're not all of their insecurities come to surface. I think that one of the most important things I've learned during this process is to recognize what the differences between my own thoughts and the thoughts of my insecurities are.
          One last note before I go to bed. Once you learn to recognize the voice of your insecurities, you then learn how to tell the difference between the voices of others and whether or not they're speaking from themselves or from their insecurities.

Lesson:

Hear your voice, not that of your insecurities.

Day 163

          The universe has seen fit to wake me up at 4:30 AM. I'm assuming so that it's so I can study for my tests today. So instead of going back to sleep like I normally do, I got up, did yoga, got ready. Now, I'm eating my breakfast and studying. I will probably go to school early too, so that I can study in peace without my dogs trying to play with me. I love them, but I need to do well on all of my tests so that I can pass my class. I've managed to stick to my morning and evening routines, and they're making the rest of my life much easier...now all I have to do is make them a habit.
          Speaking of habits, I find myself finally breaking an old habit of mine, trichotillomania on the a self harm level (I have scars). For those who don't know what trichotillomania is, it's a Obsessive Compulsive Disorder tic that involves pulling out ones hair. I've had it since 5th grade, and while it's not completely gone, my skin looks so much better. I have received treatment for my OCD, and taken many an antidepressant, however, the thing that has helped me the most has been anorexia community. I also struggled with anorexia when I was young, I was able to over come the eating part of the disorder but the mental obsession with food has ruled my life until recently. The "self love" aka "body love" movement is an excellent one, and I encourage anyone who has issues with body image (i.g. thinking you're fat, thinking you're ugly, thinking you're too scrawny) to start seeking treatment. I don't have health insurance, so I follow recovery blogs on Tumblr. I still find myself picking if I'm excessively stressed, but last semester my skin was a mess around finals time...now, I just might be able to wear short sleeved and sleeveless shirts this summer. Self hate is a disease that needs treatment one way or another, do not be afraid to seek treatment. And while it's kind for friends to compliment you, if they ignore that you're trying to tell them you need help, they're not really you're friends. However, it might help for you to start looking at stuff on your own, then when you're ready, seek treatment. I'm very lucky that I have good friends.

Lesson:

Love your body, no matter what condition it's in.

Tara Lynn Size 16US/48UK

Day 115

           I don't know anyone who hasn't heard the phrase, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." It means that what some find ugly, others find beautiful. As I walked by a mirror in my house, I noticed my reflection. For one brief moment I captured by my beauty. My curves, my paleness, my eyes, my lips, my skin. I am beautiful. This realization only lasted a few moments, and I started to see pudge, acne, and my washed out appearance. That one moment got me thinking. Why do I not consider myself beautiful. I know I'm not unattractive, but I've never understood how people call me down right "beautiful." Something has happened in my mind. I have a warped self image. How do I fix this? I tried walking by the mirror again several times and I could not bring myself to see what I had just a few minutes before, but what has been seen cannot be unseen. I now know I am beautiful, and nothing can take that away. I think now, I must fight a battle of perception. Every time I hear a negative thought, I must remind myself it is not true. I have seen my beauty, I must remember what is true. I shall maintain my mission for better health, I want to live a long life. This goal is no longer superficial though, I am not working out and eating healthy to look pretty...I already am. I am seeking to care for myself, not to impress others. I think this realization is one of the greatest I've had during this year to renewing my faith in love.

Lesson:

What has been seen cannot be unseen.

Day 74

          There is a new movement of self love going about the internet, and it makes me very proud of how far women have come. I'm sure men must be oppressed in some ways, however, I am female and I know not their lives. I do know mine, though, and it has been poisoned by the media. I should be thin. In high school I thought, 125 lbs was fat for my height (5'4"). At my heaviest I weighed just 167 lbs, and that was at the beginning of 2012. Since then, I have lost 20 lbs. I am officially the average female. 5'4" and 142 lbs. Yet, why do I still feel overweight? I feel unattractive at my current size....yet, I am average. What does the fact that the average female feels unattractive say about our society?
          I think fitness and health are good things to work for. I do not, however, think that we should be driven by the belief that we are somehow inadequate. When we finally learn that we are beautiful no matter what, that fitness and health are useless. Everything is useless if we hate ourselves.

Lesson:

Live your life because you love yourself, otherwise it is a life not worth living.

Day 70

     The first day of school. Intense. I've already taken several pages of notes in Anatomy & Physiology II as well as having to survive my Composition II and American Government classes. This is all so incredibly overwhelming. I am afraid. Will I be able to keep up with everything? How will I survive? I keep telling myself one step at a time, but I feel like there is this voice inside me screaming that I can't do this, I can't do anything. Why do I have so much self doubt. I always try to figure out what I am afraid of and talk myself down. But now, I am not sure which I am afraid of more, failure of success. I have never really been successful in my life and it is a new and frightening idea to believe that I might actually achieve my dreams. There is so much fear...and so much doubt. I feel paralyzed by it. How do I cope? I don't suppose I do, I get up in the morning and I do what needs to be done, but I have never really come to terms what is happening in my life. There is no acceptance, only survival. I don't want to live this way, but I'm not sure how to change this.

Lesson:

Do you fear failure, or do you fear success? Really think about it. The answer may surprise you.

Day 66

          Today, I was not nearly as productive as yesterday. I have been seeking the root of my depression. I know most of it is just a chemical imbalance in my brain, but then I really look at my life it's hard not to see everything that has lead me to this moment. The most devastating is losing my child and my husband thereafter. I have watched several movies and read many books that have touched on the subject of miscarriage. None of them do the pain justice. I know many of my friends have gotten annoyed with me...lingering on the subject. They wonder why I just can't get over it. Some of them have dealt with it. All I can say is that every person is different, every person deals with pain differently. I have so much guilt since that day. I always feel like it's my fault. Just like I feel like Michael leaving me was my fault. I get depressed, it takes me a long time to pull myself out. I am like two different people. I know this about myself, I'm not really sure how to change it, or if I should. Would I be denying who I am, or would I be changing for the better?

Lesson:

There is not always a clear answer.

Day 64

          I feel like all I do these days is work and sleep. That I have lost all sense of who I am. That I have lost all sense of purpose. Yet, I feel like the old saying is true. It is always darkest before the dawn. I plan to live a full and happy life, so this is only the darkness before the dawn. I feel like if I have faith and continue forward that I will soon leave this darkness behind. I don't really know where I got this hope from...do all people have it? Is it just a select few? Who are we that we never lose hope. I have been discouraged several times, but I have never given up hop. I have always found a way to move forward, even when life has brought me to my knees. What is it that gives me hope? Or is it hope at all? What if it is sheer stubbornness ..I wouldn't put it past me. Either way, I must continue.

Lesson:

It doesn't really matter why you continue, just as long as you do.