Day 162

          I am naturally a pessimist. I'm sure I have written this several times, and I want to point out that it is so very true that I have to repeat it just so people get the severity of my pessimism. That being said, I am also a strong person. Told that I was weak and that I wouldn't amount to anything since I was younger (not by my mom, she always believed in me), I have a very hard time believing that I can do anything. My journey started out as an, "Oh yeah? Watch me!" sort of journey. Not just this reset to my beliefs on love, but my entire life has been a movement to show people they were wrong about me. I have now realized, my life needs to be about me and no one else (except when I have kids, but I'm not there yet). I've dreamed and dreamed of a better life, yet I've always been the anti-opinion. "I will not fail, I will not fail..." was my mantra. Such things have worked their way into my life, yet according to several spiritual laws, all the universe is getting is "fail." After that, it was "I will prevail, I will prevail." which still implies an awful lot of struggle. So now, my new manta as of this morning, "I will excel, I will excel." I don't need to be top of my class or the greatest scientist of all time, however, I'm not looking to fail either. So, if I excel I don't need to be the best, I just need to do well. I feel like that is something that I can accomplish without draining myself into a hallow person. Digging myself out of my current situation will not be easy, but it is possible. I've done the math; I'm talking about my Anatomy & Physiology II grade by the way. Now, I have to go apply myself, because I will excel. :)

Lesson:

You get back what you put out.

Day 68

          I have always been baffled by those who are optimists. Are you really that happy or are you putting on a front? I am a pessimist. I figure if I plan for everything to go wrong and something goes even partially right, then I am pleased. For example, I predict I will fail a test, I get a C, I am quite pleased. However, if I predict I'm going to get an A and I get a C, I am quite disappointed. It's a mental game of cat and mouse I play with myself, and I don't know of it is the best way of thinking. So, do I change my way of thinking? And if I do, am I no longer being true to myself? To create some sort of compromise, to try to be happy with where I am at as of right now. I am not, but I am trying. You know, that whole "letting go" thing. I was able to let go of external things, yet, I seem to have a much harder time letting go of internal things. Still, I know it is important, so I try a little everyday. That's all anyone can ask.

Lesson:

It's easier to be objective than to be subjective.