Day 162

          I am naturally a pessimist. I'm sure I have written this several times, and I want to point out that it is so very true that I have to repeat it just so people get the severity of my pessimism. That being said, I am also a strong person. Told that I was weak and that I wouldn't amount to anything since I was younger (not by my mom, she always believed in me), I have a very hard time believing that I can do anything. My journey started out as an, "Oh yeah? Watch me!" sort of journey. Not just this reset to my beliefs on love, but my entire life has been a movement to show people they were wrong about me. I have now realized, my life needs to be about me and no one else (except when I have kids, but I'm not there yet). I've dreamed and dreamed of a better life, yet I've always been the anti-opinion. "I will not fail, I will not fail..." was my mantra. Such things have worked their way into my life, yet according to several spiritual laws, all the universe is getting is "fail." After that, it was "I will prevail, I will prevail." which still implies an awful lot of struggle. So now, my new manta as of this morning, "I will excel, I will excel." I don't need to be top of my class or the greatest scientist of all time, however, I'm not looking to fail either. So, if I excel I don't need to be the best, I just need to do well. I feel like that is something that I can accomplish without draining myself into a hallow person. Digging myself out of my current situation will not be easy, but it is possible. I've done the math; I'm talking about my Anatomy & Physiology II grade by the way. Now, I have to go apply myself, because I will excel. :)

Lesson:

You get back what you put out.

Day 132

          I'm not really sure why, but I view naps as a sign of weakness. It hasn't been until recently that I've realized napping has absolutely no affect on how I sleep at night. I already have insomnia, it's not like taking a nap during the day is going to make me sleep any less. So where does my loathing of naps come from? I'm not really sure, but I intend to retake nap time. Not only do I have insomnia, but I also have chronic fatigue syndrome. While several people might use this to get disability, I don't want to. I want to be known for being a productive person. I will not leech of society just so I can be lazy. I think that's my biggest fear. Many people cannot tell that I suffer from several chronic conditions, and because they cannot see it, they do not believe it. This goes back to my worrisome self worrying about how other see me. No more, I have to take care of my body. If I need a nap, I will take one. It does not make me any less of a person, nor does it make me weak. I just have an understanding of what my body needs to run at full capacity. I need to give my body fuel to run on, and if that means taking a nap...so be it.

Lesson:

Naps are not evil, nor are they a sign of weakness. Take them.