Day 48

           If you've ever heard the saying, "The end is only the beginning" you've heard some of the truest words ever spoken. Time isn't linear as many people believe it. It is cyclic. There's not really a beginning or an end, it's just a change, a shift from one thing to another. As 2012 shifts into 2013, nothing will really change over night. Instead, it will be a slow and steady progression. People do not change over night, they ebb and flow like the ocean tides. We are all human, we all shift at one point or another, but forcing such a thing is unwise. We change at our own pace and we should allow those around us to change at theirs. I hope everyone had a good 2012, and I hope everyone has a better 2013.

Lesson:

Do not fear the end, for it is only the beginning.

Day 47

           I love food. Not only do I love food, I love decadent food...which to me is the only kind of food. I have been searching for somewhere in the Denver area to replace my beloved Victoria's Gastro Pub in Columbia, MD. Well, I've found The Bent Fork in Aurora. I was quite pleased with the food. The ingredients were real. I can't stand fake food, though sometimes I do crave it. In general I like whole rich ingredients. My mother mentioned that several women that she works with don't like new foods, i.e. they like iceberg lettuce salads. No feta, no goat cheese, no fun stuff, no good stuff. It just made me sad. How could someone not want to taste everything. I absolutely love new foods. I feel like if you have an adventurous taste in foods, you have an adventurous taste for life. Bland food makes for a bland life. We were put here to live. That is why I don't believe in diets. I used to diet, and when I stopped dieting and started living, the quality of my life improved. I can accept happiness, can you?

Lesson:

Bland food makes for a bland life. Be adventurous. Be alive.

Day 46

           Just as I am taking this year to renew my faith in love, sometimes you just have to do nothing for a day. Unfortunately, I worked today. But for the first half of the day, I made it quite a point to do absolutely nothing...except for play on Pinterest, because that's pretty much nothing.  It's okay to do nothing sometimes. Our society focuses on the fast paced, constant busy-ness. Where as, I've decided doing nothing from time to time is excessively good for the soul. There is also something to be said about taking things slow. It's hard. Every time I try to do anything slow, I catch myself hurrying. Well, no more. I am making it a point to take my time in doing anything...including nothing. Not dragging my feet, just doing stuff properly and in good faith if that makes sense to anyone else but me...

Lesson:

Take the time to do nothing.

Day 45

          Joy is a beautiful thing. I have noticed, however, that I don't really like to experience it. Weird, right? Well, in my experience, joy is usually followed immediately by pain and suffering. So why on Earth would I seek out joy. Today, I have realized, that I really just need to let go. Joy doesn't cause pain. Joy and pain exist  and sometimes they happen to exist at the same time.  I've decided to experience joy for what it is, and continue on. I want to be the person who enjoys her life...so I will.

Lesson:

Joy doesn't cause pain, so experience joy.

Day 44

          Sometimes we are asked to do things we are not sure if we can do. Yet, if we do our best we can often surprise ourselves. I think that there are times when life challenges us to do something we think we can't to prove a point. We are not to be limited by our view of ourselves. Absolutely anything is possible, and it's important to remember that. There are so many things in life that we deny ourselves simply for our belief in the idea that we can't do it. I think that we have been raised in a society that what you can't do it more important than what you can do. I vote that we rebel by accepting that we all have different capabilities  but that shouldn't stop us from trying. After all, how can we know what we are capable of if we never try?

Lesson:

You are capable of many things, but you will only know what you are capable of if you try.

Day 43

          Rough day today. I feel a little off. I can't seem to find my rhythm  It's okay to have bad days. We all have them. The goal is to not let one bad day cause another. Each night you sleep is like hitting the reset button. It is a truly beautiful thing to be able to start fresh each day. I am now making an effort to start each day anew, without the day before setting its mood.

Lesson:

Each day is a new day; treat it as such.

Day 42

          I worked today and it was a rough shift, but eventually it was over and I got to go see a movie with a friend of mine. I had the most magical night. I smiled and laughed, despite me being in a deep depression these last few weeks. When we surround ourselves with the people we love, anything is bearable. I do not need to lean on my friends  like I used to. Now, I just need to be in their presence. There are two reasons to this. The first is that I have taken the poisonous people out of my life and only good people remain. The second is that I no longer rely on other to validate me. I don't need others to make me feel better about myself. I am more free to be myself, I worry less. So, when I am with someone and they happen to say something kind about me, I know it is me they are complementing, not the person I project.

Lesson:

There is joy in the small things.

Day 41

          When you make changes to improve your life, not everyone will be happy for you. Many people resent the people near them who are bettering themselves. It is not your job to be liked by everyone, it is you job to grow as a person. Why else would we be here? I've discovered that when I've told people about my changes they have one of two reactions: the first group will tell me how amazing it is that I am focusing on improving my life, and the second group will tell me how ridiculous it is. I think that I have let the cynical voices of others run my life, and I tend to reclaim my life as my own. I am a hopeless romantic, I am kind, and I am honest, I am also sassy, smart, and funny. It is hard for me to claim the good qualities of myself when I have been taught by society to focus on the negative. I am desperately working to change my thought processes to a more positive note. I will continue to do so, until being positive IS my nature. I am not perfect, and I constantly fight my want to be perfect. We were not put on this planet to be perfect, we were put on it to live.

Lesson:

Persistence is more important than perfection.

Day 40

          I am incredibly anti-social.  I typically cannot stand anyone withing a few years of my age range. I do not drink in excess, I do not party, I don't do drugs, I don't like loud music, and I don't like staying out late. I would rather be at home watching a documentary than be at some party where I know only two or three people. That being said, humans are social animals and we all need to socialize at one point or another or risk turning crazy. Being close enough to the crazy line, I've realized I need to be more social than staying home with my dogs. So, this evening I went for a drink with a coworker. It was a fun experience and I'd like to do it again. I've discovered I am very lonely, and that I need to make more of an effort to speak to my friends. I'm constantly looking inward, and I tend to ignore the external things all together. I cannot continue to do that.

Lesson:

Balance inner self with socializing for optimum life enjoyment.

Day 39

          Some of us are lucky when it comes to our families. They are love unconditionally. Others, are unlucky. They are born into terrible homes. The majority of us fall somewhere in between. There are good and bad members of the family, and we all try to make it work. The holiday season has been commercialize and I have grown to hate it, because to me, the holidays are about family. This year has been particularly rough because I don't have anyone to spend the holidays with. So, I don't mind working, but I really do miss my family (as crazy as they are). Today, I found out my mother might be able to make it out to Colorado the weekend before New Years. I will have to work while she is here, but I will have the mornings off so I can spend time with her. Despite a rough 5 year patch when we were at each other's throats, my mother and I have been very close. I talk to her almost daily now. I try to talk to my grandmother once a week. My brother and I are even starting to speak a little more. My friends are also my family, so I try to speak to them when I can. It is not always a guarantee that the people you love will contact you back, my father never did. But when someone chooses to contact you, that is the beginning of what could be a beautifully close relationship. Be sure to only contact those who are not poisonous to your life. Life should be full of beauty, not pain.

Lesson:

We chose who we are close to, make an effort to stay in contact with those you love.

Day 38

          I have been granted a paid internship that I applied for several months ago. I hadn't heard back by the beginning of December, so I thought they had chosen someone else.  I made the cut though, and I start January 3rd. The amount of happiness I feel cannot be describe by words. I am definitely supposed to be here. All those times that I felt like there was no hope, but I kept going...this moment in my life is what they were for. Life does eventually get better, and we as people have the ability to embrace that life and live it to its fullest. We only have to take life one step at a time, and we will eventually reach that beloved yet elusive happiness we have looked for our whole life.

Lesson:

Carry on.

Day 37

          I seem to have gotten sick again. So, I have taken to laying on my couch and watching Game of Thrones. One theme is exception prevalent throughout the whole show: Greediness causes pain. It's a very good lesson to learn. It is our constant need for something better that causes much of our pain. We are surrounded by a society that teaches us to want. But if you look at the stories we love the most. The heroes accept the responsibility of power, where as the villains only want more.

Lesson:

Look at how you view power? Are you the villain or the hero?

Day 36

          I stayed inside and cleaned all day. A winter storm raged outside all day dumping at least 6 inches on the ground. I'm continuing my mission to declutter my apartment, and make a place for everything. I want my home to be serene. I have been so afraid of not doing it right, I've been almost paralyzed. However, the perfect time is always now. So, progress was made. I went to work and found out they'll be giving me more hours. I will be able to make ends meet. It's quite exciting. All I had to do was trust that it would work out. I am feeling much more optimistic...much more relieved.

Lesson:

Trust that things will work out. They will, it just takes time for them to fall into place.

Day 35

          I cannot punish myself for standing up what I believe in, but I want to. I want to make those around me happy. Yet, I cannot make everyone happy, and I am the only person I have to live with for the rest of my life. In an effort to better my life, I have found how different I am from many of the people I found myself closest to. Yet, I have also found how similar I am to some of the people that I never knew I was close to to begin with. Sometimes I hate standing up for myself, for I fear that the person I stand up to will leave my life. It's hardest when I love that person. Some have left, some have stayed. But now I know which relationships are mutual. Watching someone you love leave, hurts... regardless. But watching someone you love stay regardless, is one of the greatest joys someone can experience.

Lesson:

Stand up for your beliefs. Those who truly love you will stand beside you regardless.

Day 34

         You cannot earn love. You cannot capture it. It must be freely given and freely accepted. I have spent my entire life trying to earn the love of those around me. I beg, I plead, and still I feel empty. This has led me to feel resentful to those in my life. Why can they not love me as much as I love them? They are my world, yet I am insignificant to them. My own neediness has blinded me. In my search to feel loved, I have become a monster. Watch any super hero story unfold and you'll see that the villains are the way they are because they feel unloved. I feel unloved. That is why I always rooted for the bad guys. I related more to them than I ever have to any hero. I have let my own darkness consume me. I have become destruction.
          Tonight was the first night that I have looked into my own darkness. My anger, my resentment, my emptiness, my hurt. I am a hurt child seeking a parent's love, my father to be exact. Father issues seem so clique, they are however a fact of life. My father left me, I tried so hard for him to love me. In all honesty, though, I think he was incapable of loving anyone. He had his own father issues. I have to let go of the fact that I feel like it's my fault he left. I have to let go of feeling like I wasn't good enough. Because, it has absolutely nothing to do with my short comings and everything to do with his.
          Typing this even now, I am drawn to my destructive coping skills. This revelation is shaking the very framework of my personality construct, it was built to protect me. If I change this perception, everything changes. I make myself vulnerable, I change what I have built. I am still me on the inside, but others will perceive me as different, and my life will change, yet again. I will be consumed by my new life, and I fear losing me...or what was me. Now, I must be my true self. I must risk rejection and acceptance alike by breaking down my own barriers, and it is a frightening thing.

Lesson:

Love must be freely given and freely accepted.

Day 33

          In my fear for making end meet, I have become a mess. I have done my best to trust that all will work out and that everything will be okay. I thought my fear had gotten the best of me, until I spoke to my manager and she informed me that I'd be getting a lot more hours at work. I am still hunting for a better paying and more stable job, but until the right one comes around, I will have what I need. This adage has been true my whole life, I have no idea why I ever question it, and yet I do. Society has trained us to panic, to hoard, to fear. I am going to make it a point from now on to do my best never to doubt that I will not want for what is needed.

Lesson:

Work hard and keep faith. The universe will provide.

Day 32

          After speaking to a friend of mine about the terrible events that took place on Friday, I realized I am recovering from my cynicism. This year is doing me good. Before I would have ranted about how the world was going to hell anyways. Now, I think that it is important to be a little kinder, show a little more love, and change the world one kind act at a time instead of letting one bad act change our lives. There will always be terrible people in the world, and  they usually are sprung from an environment of hatred. If we can make our world an environment of love, it is much more difficult for hatred to survive. I am, however, still a realist. Giving honest people the power to protect themselves and their charges will make a criminal think twice. Just because I am a romantic does not mean I won't seriously harm the person who tries to bring harm to innocents around me. There have been warrior monks throughout history, and we all could take a lesson from them. They are peaceful, but will defend their monasteries. Such a beautiful way to live.

Lesson:

Walk in peace, but defend those in need.

Day 31

           It's been one month since I began my journey. I have already learned so much, who knows what the future holds? I feel as though there is something rippling under the surface of my life, just waiting to break through.With a little extra time on my hands, I have taken to decluttering my home. I cam here with so little and it still seems like too much. I have the stuff I don't want and don't have the stuff I do. So, I am getting rid of a lot. I started with my coat closet I am down to 11 pairs of shoes and 4 coats in my coat closet. I also saved only my favorites of my hats. That gave me two full boxes and a garbage bag full of clothes and shoes to take to Goodwill. It was only my entry way closet, and I still have the rest of my apartment to do, but I already feel better. I aim for a home that is cozy and uncluttered. A place where every item has a purpose and make me feel love for my home, where ever it may be.

Lesson:

Keep only what represents love in you home. If it does not bring you joy, it should not be there.

Day 30

          School is officially done for the semester. I have no idea how I did on my Microbiology or Anatomy & Physiology tests. Though, as long as my grade for the class doesn't drop below a "C" I will be satisfied. On my way home I wept out of sheer exhaustion. It has been a long semester, and a long year. Two of my friends have died, my husband left me, I have moved to a place where I know no one, I have worked two jobs and gone to school full time. Over the next five weeks I will have to increase my hours just to make sure I can make ends meet. The world seems to be closing in around me. I believe as long as I can put one foot in front of the other and keep my heart in the right place, I can overcome this. Though I am ready for this stage of my life to be over, I have the distinct feeling I am in this stage because there is still a lesson for me to learn. So, I shall keep my heart, my eyes, and my mind open as I work my way through these next 5 weeks.

Lesson:

You are where you are for a reason, so pay attention to what life is trying to teach you.

Day 29

          I love my dogs and my fish.  I have loved every single pet I have ever had. There is just something so comforting about having a companion that will love you no matter what, or, if you have a cat, constantly plotting your destruction. :) It turns out my beta, Mr. Sandman has a tumor on his nose and there's not much that can be done. So, I am making an effort to make his life as comfortable as possible. Of course, he is a beta so he may live for another couple years yet. I honestly don't know if I would have been able to make it through the most trying times of my life if I had not had the constant and ever loving companionship of my pets. So my mission is to make sure my pets know how much I appreciate them and show them that they are loved even more than I already do.

Lesson:

Take care of those who love you unconditionally.

Day 28

           Life is stressful at times, and bad things can happen to good people. Life happens, both good and bad. And learning to take the ups and downs is a lesson I am constantly working on. In addition to acceptance (do not mistake that for submission). I am also learning the power of laughter. A child's laughter is a beautiful thing, but so is an adults. True happy laughter, is a freeing thing. When you're laughing so hard you're crying, you've temporarily let your defenses down and you are relaxing. Relaxation lowers your body's stress hormones and can boost your immune system. Laughter truly is the best medicine, but only if it's genuine. No nervous laughter. Just true joy.

Lesson:

Laugh.

Day 27

          Still feeling under the weather, I opted for laying on my couch watching Bones instead of studying. I, however, was able to justify this by listening to the bones they were talking about and testing my knowledge on that bone's location. I actually did learn a little bit. Being under the weather is a frustrating thing, but I seem to be surviving it on my own. There is an inner strength we all must learn about. Each and every one of us was given inner strength, it's just a matter of being stubborn enough to use it. And while I fight for control of my inner strength, despite a certain spoiled princess who lives inside my mind (figuratively of course). So, this little princesses thinks she deserves the best without having to work for it. She is what Freud referred to as the "id." I do deserve the best, BUT I have to work for it. How does one take control of his or her prince or princess? Take care of them as you would a child. Leave time for yourself to play, but only after chores or homework is done. It's not a matter of suppressing some evil, it's a matter of learning to balance childish enthusiasm with everyday responsibility. If you can manage that, life will be much easier.

Lesson:

Treat you inner prince or princess as you would your own child.

Day 26

          I knew today would be better, and it was I got a lot done. Not everything I would have liked, but a lot more than I usually do. I am still upset, deep down in my soul. I'm not sure what it is, but it hasn't come to the surface yet. I have a feeling whatever it is will be quite painful, so it's taking its time and easing me into it. It probably has something to do with my father and my abandonment issues, but that's just speculation for now. I had a wonderful talk with my mother today. I miss her a lot. We had a few year that were rough and we barely spoke, now I get sad if I don't talk to her often (everyday is preferred). Mothers are important, so are fathers. However, if you really want to get technical, the earth is our mother, and the sky is our father. I think that is why I prefer a polytheistic view of the world. While I believe all gods are the same one, I feel more comfortable acknowledge both a masculine and a feminine version of the same god. I know it's confusing for a lot of people, but it just feels better when I can pray to a female about girl problems (such as relationships) and a male about more masculine issue (such as work). There will always be overlap, which is fine because I'm really praying to the same power, just different aspects. I like it though. My mother and father are always near, even when my mom can't be.

Lesson:

You are loved, even if you feel alone.

Day 25

          I have finally reach the point of being annoyed with myself for deciding to go a year without sex or relationships. Having no work in the morning and being sick, I lay on my couch and did nothing. I realized I am lonely, I want some one to be there for me with me, as I would be there for them. I realized how horribly alone I am. I knew this day would come, though I didn't think it would be so soon, but in all honesty, it's fine. I know I am seeking validation in others and that I must learn to validate myself. However, it doesn't stop me from feeling lonely...from feeling empty. I shall continue on, and I suppose that's the lesson.

Lesson:

It's okay to feel bad sometimes, but you have to keep going.

Day 24

          I have known for the last couple weeks that I was about to get sick, but today was the worst so far. I just felt off the whole day. It didn't help that I worked a double, but I was lucky enough to get off work earlier than usual. My first day of this year, my lesson was that sometimes we just have to take a break and take care of ourselves. Well, as someone without health insurance who works in the service industry, I don't get to call in sick. That doesn't mean I can't take care of myself. Even if you work everyday of the week, there are small ways you can do it too. Sleeping when possible, eating healthy, and working out are the best things to prevent and care for sickness, even the common cold. Drugs mask the signs that you're sick, but they also inhibit your body's way of fighting sickness. So, doing what is good for healthy living is also doing what is good for getting healthy! :)

Lesson:

Natural is better.

Day 23

          Sometimes you just have to cry. There are days that are so long and hard there is nothing left but to cry at the end of the day...and then pray. School project and test are hard anyways, but sometimes life gets a hold of you emotionally.  I am at that age where my friends are getting married and having kids. For those of you who don't know me, I was married twice, and the second time I was lucky enough to get pregnant a couple weeks after the wedding. But, I lost the baby. My second husband left me a little over a year after. All I have ever wanted in life was to get married and have children, and it seems to me everyone else gets to live that life but me. Granted, I know a lot of my issues are of my own making, though I didn't at the time. It still doesn't help the pain.
          One of my closest friends had her second son last night, and though I am truly happy for her, it's also just another reminder of what I don't have. I am two times divorced at 24, no children, and a partial furnished apartment, with no degree. It is painful for me to see what others have and not be angry that I seem to always get the short end of the stick. However, this year is forcing me to look at things through a different perspective. I have two jobs, the ability to further my education, a family that loves me, friends (though they are far away), a safe place to live, a washer and dryer, a refrigerator  food, my dogs, a bed, a sofa, a shower, etc. I really am lucky, I just have to learn how to be happy with what I have.

Lesson:

Learn to be happy with what you have, and then....you'll be happy.

Day 22

          Having learned my lesson from the Universe last time, I stuck to my word and went to the church. It was a very informational meeting about Viking pagan religion and historical living. Even though it went later than expected and I got little sleep. I still felt better having attended, it was something my spirit needed. Religion, or at least faith, needs to play an important role in our everyday lives. It teaches us to strive to be better people, no matter the circumstance. And most importantly, it give us hope. Hope can change our lives dramatically, if we just have faith.

Lesson:

Give yourself a little hope, pray.

Day 21

          Three weeks in, and my life has been forever changed for the better. I had no idea when I started this that EVERYTHING would change, not just my ideas of love. Surprisingly enough, I haven't been focused on relationship type love as I work my way through this. I have been focused on self love and acceptance, which I knew was a big deal, but never in a million years did I think that I would have such personal growth while still working two jobs and going to school full time. Even when coming up on finals week. Yet, here I am...growing.

          Today, I learned put in some practice of just DOING stuff instead of procrastinating, and was quite happy to realize that I turned everything in on time. I know that none of it was perfect and that's okay. Society's obsession with perfection is leaving me. I'm tired of being afraid to act at anytime because it's not perfect. I have a couple more projects due Thursday, and I will be working on them all day tomorrow. The informational meeting I wanted to attend is at 7, so I will go to that. I have to take time for myself. I can feel me fighting some sort of sickness, so I am making sure to drink plenty of water and take breaks often. Eating healthy is also helping me stay healthy despite some microbe attacking my system. Every little bit helps, and by just doing my homework instead of procrastinating, I was able to get a little more sleep than I would have and therefore take better care of me. 

Lesson:

Doing what needs to be done allows inner peace.

Day 20

          I have renewed my faith. I had an experience that will forever change my perception of my religion. I felt the Holy for the first time since I was a child, and I truly felt it. It was one of those "Oh dear! Is this really happening?" moments. I was afraid at first, but then I was thrilled. I have regained something I lost, and something some people will never experience. In an effort to maintain this new relationship I have with the higher power, I have begun to pray. I will now pray every morning, before every meal, and before bed...AND if I feel the need to pray any other time, I will.
          I now feel a peace I haven't felt in a long time, a certain knowing feeling that I had forgotten. I am so happy to be a part of a world where the Holy really is present around us. On top of my new mission to include prayer in my life, I am also on a mission to find a place of worship. I found a church online (though I'm not sure how viable it is), that I'm going to attend an informational meeting they have on Wednesdays. I am afraid, every time I try to go to a new church, I feel the need to smack the preacher. So, by attending one outside the faith I was raised, I will now know if it was just the preachers or if it's just me. ;)
          I really am overjoyed at this new found practice, as I know my life is about to change for the better forever. This is why I took my year off, if I had not, I wouldn't have grown as a person. Everything really does happen for a reason, and when your spirit tells you to go for it, you had better!

Lesson:

Magic/miracles are alive and well, we had only need to be open to the experience.

Day 19

           There is something to be said about sacrifice. We all to it at one time or another, and often we play martyr for it. Well, playing martyr might get sympathy from someone, but what else does it do? I've realized it's just another way to seek attention, to get recognition. Why do we need it. The person we are sacrificing for often knows, they are likely to mention it at some other date, so why do we feel the need to draw even more attention? I cannot answer the why, I can only speculate it is because our society values suffering over joy. I do not want to be that person. I want to be joyed to help someone else out (as long as it doesn't harm me). So today's step is to stop being a martyr, and do what is right without drawing attention to it. I will do what is right because it is right, not because I want attention for it. I don't need to prove I am a good person, I just have to know I am a good person.

Lesson:

Playing martyr serves no purpose. Let go of it, and enjoy your own kindness.

Day 18

          I think humility is an important virtue. When you work in the service industry you meet lots of people, some are very kind others are not. People are very arrogant these days, and I only see it getting worse. I can think of no other way to fix this than to lead by example and raise the children that I have some day to be humble, and show gratitude to those who serve. When one shows humility towards those who serve them, everyone is better for it.

Lesson:

To be humble is to better the lives of those around you.

Day 17

          I believe in signs. I have been ridiculed for this many times. People think it's silly, barbaric even. But to me, everything happens for a reason and everything has its purpose. I had been planning on looking for laboratory jobs, but hadn't had the time to start. However, I did start when I got home from work. I had the wonderful experience of being given the sign of having an allergic reaction to chemicals at my work. I probably will stay at that job until I graduate, just because I go to school for 12 hours a day on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I do believe, though, that it was the Universe's way of kicking my rear in gear. So, here I go, puttering along, looking for a job in my dream field...wish me luck.

Lesson:

If you make a commitment, the Universe will hold you to it, or you run the risk of suffering it's wrath.

Day 16

          Currently, I am reading Mists of Avalon. I'm only through part one, but it truly is a moving tale. I've always loved the tale of King Arthur, and I always felt bad for Morgaine. I like that the book addresses events from her perspective. It also makes me want to get back to my faith. I have always struggled with mainstream Christianity, I do however think Jesus was a good man and had many good lessons to teach. I myself, feel more comfortable in a shaman based religion. I have the belief that we all are meant to walk different paths, this path is mine and mine alone to bear. I love that I have a personal relationship to the higher power (I believe all Gods and Goddesses are really just the same higher power wearing different masks), and I think that reading this book has renewed my drive to continue my religious studies. Many will disagree with my choices, but it is not their place to judge.


Lesson:

A personal relationship with God is possible, but just like any relationship it must be constantly cultivated.

Day 15

           I find myself drawn to everyday peacocking. You know, when you feel the need to one up the person you're talking to. I've realized it comes from my own insecurities. I feel like I need to prove myself in order to be noticed. I hate feeling invisible. I don't want to disappear, and that is what I must face. I have to get to the point of quiet confidence, the one where the quietest person in the room is the most interesting, and that person is me. The only way I can think of achieving this is by living it. With my jobs and school I can't take a bow of silence. I can, however, aim to speak only when necessary.  Any one who knows me, knows this will be practically impossible, so it will take practice and a lot of time. So, each day, I will try my best to hold my tongue and speak only of the important things things. I think small talk is an important skill, but there is a difference between small talk and talking just to talk...the latter of which I do quite often.

Lesson:

Confidence is not screaming at the top of your lungs to get attention, it is quiet and self assured.

Day 14

          I find education to be one of the most important things in life, and one of the most pleasurable. Not just school, but life. I love to learn new things, whether it is a recipe or a tutorial on making a body scrub on Pinterest. The more new things we learn, the better rounded and more versatile we are. Versatility is a good thing, it makes sure there are always doors open. I've always wondered how athletes can focus only on their sport. If they become injured, they have no other option. Plus, they can't hold a broad spectrum of conversations, limiting the people that they can talk to. This applies to any single minded person. It is a good thing to learn, even if you don't manage it the first time. That's why my next step is that I won't turn down the next person who asks me to go bowling. Despite my years of demanding it is the devil's sport (really, I just have no depth perception and get terrible scores every time), it is time for me to let go of my narrow mindedness, and enjoy the life that has been giving to me.


Lesson:

Let go of you close-minded ways and live.

Day 13

          Perfectionism is the root of all (okay, most) emotional pain. It is for the lack of perfection that we suffer. So, in order to avoid suffering, we must let go of our ideas of what, who, and how something is perfect. My example is running errands. I have to go here to get my car inspected, here to get my tires rotated and balanced, call here to schedule an appointment, go here to enroll, go here to register my car. Not to mention get homework and VA paperwork filled out. All of this causes me anxiety, but I never really wondered why. But now I know. I am afraid I will do something wrong, that I'll be ill-prepared, that things won't go as I have planned ..as perfectly as I have planned. Rarely do they not, but I am racked with anxiety any time I have to run similar errands or fill out paperwork. Today's step was running all those errands I have feared. I feels as though the more I procrastinate the worse things seem in my mind, when really whatever it is that I'm avoiding it quite inconsequential.
          I did get everything done, and there was a slight hiccup, but disaster was avoided. So, all my worrying was for nothing. And that just proves my point.


Lesson:
Let go of your perfectionism, and do what you fear most.

Day 12

          I feel as though I am always working. I love my days off, but they're never really days off. I have to run here and there for errands or I have to clean or I have to do homework. This isn't helped by the fact that I work two different jobs in the service industry. I know they are jobs that someone must work, but I am ready for that person to not be me. I keep telling myself, "I want a big girl job." But why do I want an 8-5 job? I want weekends. I want time to myself that I can enjoy without wondering if there will be enough time. It's only going to get worse over the holidays as I won't have school to buffer the amount of hours I work. So, my goal is to start looking for this big girl job I so desperately want. I won't be able to start until May, as that is when I'm going to graduate, but it can't hurt to start looking. Plus, it'll make me feel like I'm doing something productive towards getting where I really want.
          Until then, I do what I can to take care of myself in little ways. Praying everyday, painting my nails a work appropriate colour, bubble baths, etc. So, let the hunt begin.


Lesson:
You can always work towards the direction you want, even if things may not change immediately.

Day 11

          Simplicity. Something I have never really understood until I realized it had crept into my life.  Luxury has been lost to gaudiness  However, today I have realized true luxury is about quality,  not quantity. This concept must be applied in every aspect of one's life before he or she can experience true luxury. I discovered this when I stopped to get coffee on my way to the bank. I used to have such a complex order, and now I am perfectly happy with a small black coffee and a croissant  Those two things can be incredibly satisfying as long as they are paid full attention to. I didn't even realize that I had taken my life on the simple but luxurious route until I was speaking to my mother about wanting to make vegetable stew. I told her how much I just wanted plain vegetable stew because it tasted so much better than a canned one, or one with a lot of spices. That's when it hit me, slowly but surely I have been learning to appreciate the simpler things in life. And not only is my life better for it, I feel like I am a better person because of it.


Lesson: 

Quality is better than quantity.

Day 10

          Today is Black Friday, curse of society that it is. I didn't feel well Thanksgiving night, and I haven't felt well all day. I think this has to do with my utter disgust in a society that escalates to violence the day after, or sometimes the day of, being thankful for what we have. Now, I can only speak for Christianity and Paganism (as those are the two religions I am closest to), but Christmas and Yule are not about presents.
          It hasn't been until the last couple years that I become exceptionally grateful for my upbringing, because I know what this time of year is really about. I know there is a movement, though still quite small, to regain the holidays for their true meaning. One way this movement is impacting society is by not participating in Black Friday. We understand that if people weren't willing to shop on Thanksgiving,  then stores wouldn't make money, and without the prospect of money, wouldn't be open on Thanksgiving  thus allowing more people to spend time with family and friends.
          I think part of the reason I struggle with the idea of true love, is that I am disgusted with society, and I forget there are others like me. So, today, I acknowledge that I am not alone and there there is hope for society...and me.

Lesson:

We all have the power to change society for the better if we just stand up for what we believe and realize we are not alone.

Day 9

          Today is Thanksgiving, and I have much to grateful for. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and people who love me. Gratitude is an important thing. Just learning to be grateful can dramatically improve one's life. It can be incredibly difficult at times, especially when it seems at though life has forsaken you. However, money cannot buy happiness, not can an ample amount of "friends", nor hurting those around you so they suffer too. We all cope with life in different ways. I propose, however,  that life isn't something to be "coped" with. There are always curve balls in life that we must face, but life itself should be enjoyed. And life can only truly be enjoyed if we recognize what we do have and if we are grateful for it.

Lesson:

Gratitude is the only way to reach happiness in life.

Day 8

         I am truly amazed at how much emotional muck can surface when one faces everything that has been ignored. I knew something was wrong all day, but I did my best to carry on. And then, finally, I wept. I am so mad. I should be spending Thanksgiving with my husband, instead, I am spending it with a family I don't know (though I am still grateful they are allowing me to attend). I am so angry that I have to rebuild my life...again. He just gave up. He couldn't work at it. I feel abandoned.  Unlovable.
          Since he left me, I have been in survival mode. But this process I have started is forcing me to grow, to change, and to let go. What's done is done. I cannot change his actions nor mine. So I must continue on. I must make the most of what I have, and know that there is a beautiful, rich, and happy life ahead.
          Tuesday I sold a couple of rings of mine. On my way to get them appraised I thought to myself, "I only need $200 for them. If I get more, I'll be happy, but I need at least $200." I got exactly $200 for them. While telling my mother about this (I am so lucky to have such a good relationship with her), I realized that I had told the Universe that I wanted to renew my faith in Love in exactly one year. Now, it is as if the Universe has accepted my premise and as long as I keep my eyes, ears, mind, and soul open I will get a new lesson everyday. This lesson is never more than I can handle, but it is always enough to make me feel uncomfortable, to push my boundaries. The Universe does provide.
          This is my life. I am living it right now. I cannot wait for the perfect moment to start. It must start now. I must live here and I must be here so that I may love here.

Lesson:
We all bury emotions and memories to survive. But eventually we must face these so that we may let go. For we must let go in order to live....in order to love.

Day 7

          The step I took today was to watch Coco Before Chanel. It is a beautiful movie. I think everyone should watch it, especially every woman. Her fierce independence is something to be admired. To be independent is a difficult thing. A lonely thing. But I have discovered, the more I learn to love myself, the less lonely I am. There are times, like this evening, that I do not seek the company of others. I would rather be alone, in my own company. My mind does however, travel a thousand miles a minute. And a long bubble bath revealed to me, that I have been rejecting myself. I have no idea where I came up with the idea that I am unworthy (which I brought up in my last post). No wonder everyone has rejected me, I have taught people how to treat me. I do not know where the basis for this thought is, but I now have a new goal: each day, when I look in the mirror, I will say kind things about myself.
          I think women have been taught that they're not good enough. It is the same paradox as to why any enslaved group does not over throw their oppressors despite their greater numbers. I think I finally understand that I have been victim to a male dominated society in which no woman is worthy, and she is saved by the grace of the love of a man. I need not fight to be worthy, for am worthy just by existing...so is every human being on this planet. As a living thing, I am worthy of love, compassion, freedom, faith, trust, honesty, etc. To say this is one thing, to break 24 years of social conditioning is another. I understand that I compensate for my feelings of unworthiness by trying to over achieve and be perfect in all that I do. I no longer want this. I want to be me. There will be those who accept me and those who don't, but I am going to live a life of joy. So, my new saying is, "I am worthy."
          I deserve my dreams. I deserve vacations. I deserve a job I love. I deserve a family. I deserve home. I deserve all of the things I want, I just have to go get them.

Lesson:

I am worthy (and so are you.)

Day 6

          While having a conversation with a fellow coworker, I realized that I am always fighting. Fighting for someone to love me. Fighting to protect my fragile heart. Fighting to prove my worth. I have been fighting the world. When did the world become such a terrible place? Why shouldn't I be loved for who I am? Who will attack my heart? Why do I think I'm not worthy? I don't want to live my life afraid of everything. I want to live in a world of beauty. I want to live in a world of amazing adventures. I've been surviving my entire life, but now I want to thrive. I want to live.
          A few weeks ago, I watched The Secret in my General Psychology class. Since then, I have watched it several times over. I never quite understood HOW to think positively, but each day a make little improvements. The more positive I am, the better life becomes. I do not know if this is because life really is getting better or just my perception of it. Either way, I feel better about my life, like it is good. Such a strange thing for me to say, a good life. I had always hoped I would say that, but I never believed I would. So, raise a glass of champagne to a life of beauty and adventure. The journey has already begun!

Lesson:
It is better to learn to embrace life than to fight it.

Day 5

          Here is cleaning out the closet, literally. I will take the majority of clothes from to a local consignment store in order to try to sell them. I have almost nothing left. I am okay with that. I want to start over, I want to be me. I'm tired of fighting to be something I'm not in order to fit in. I am a unique individual, and there's no reason that my wardrobe shouldn't mirror that. I am a beautiful woman, and my wardrobe should compliment my beauty. It's not something I really believe, but when I wear clothes that flatter my body, it is almost possible to believe. To feel beautiful is to be beautiful. I just want to have clothes that make me feel beautiful.

Lesson:
What is on the outside can affect what is on the inside, so pay attention to what you wear. What fits? What is your colour? Take pleasure in it. It is not bad to love yourself.

Day 4

           I was still anxious about the people I deleted. Would they call or try to add me again? I didn't want a confrontation. Then, I realized that's the only reason I had let them stick around in the first place. Fear. I cannot live in love and trust if I'm always afraid. And I still care about them, I just care about me more.
          So, today's step was going to be clearing out my closet. However, I am in a lot of pain as I worked a double today. Alas, I resigned myself to reading a book. French Women Don't Sleep Alone to be exact. I bought the book several years ago, read it and applied some of it, and forgot it. It did seem, to jump off my bookshelf though. So, it was time to drink a beer and get reading.  As I read, I came to the realization that it was really talking about loving yourself and sticking by it. Plus, have the self respect to wait for someone who is willing to treat you properly instead of like trash.

Lesson:

Even if you can't do what is planned, doesn't mean that you can't move towards your goal.

Update:
I slept better that night. The more positive I become, the better I sleep. You should try it sometime.

Day 3

         As a scientist and a lover of stories, I wanted to document this journey. At first I was going to keep it to myself.  But then something occurred to me, our society is falling apart (especially in the department of love). Others must be stuck in the same terrible beliefs and cycles, so I would share my story. I would show the world how to regain a faith so strong, that it would be the love of legends.
          It was a work day, luckily, I only worked my morning job that day. So, I got off at 2:00 then went to run errands. Once I got home, I poured myself a big glass of wine and thought of steps to be taken to renew my faith in love. First, I did what I had dreamed of doing for so long. I deleted all the toxic people out of my life. I went from 112 friends on Facebook to 67. Not all the people were toxic, but a lot of them were people I didn't talk to on a regular basis. I wanted good people in my life. I battle with my loneliness, especially after moving somewhere where I didn't know anyone. But I'd always been lonely, always wanted to be around people. Well, I was done with that. I only wanted people I loved and people who loved me in my life. And not that selfish kind of manipulative love, because that's not really love.
         Next I delete so many phone numbers out of my phone, it's not even funny. What's odd, is that this caused a lot of anxiety. Why? These were people that every time I saw their phone number or their profile picture, I got upset. I was afraid. I was walking headfirst into the unknown, and I just had to trust that everything was going to be okay. I got through it okay, and slept better that night.

Lesson:

Get rid of toxins. Your body can't survive if it's filled with toxins, so what makes you think your mind or life can.

Day 2

          No sex. Okay, I could do this. I only had two semesters left to get my Associates of Science. Then it was off to university to get my Bachelors. So, I went about my business. Went to school, paid attention, worked hard. 9-9 is a rough school schedule, and I'd been up late watching American Horror Story with a couple friends for my birthday the night before. I was tired, but the best was yet to come. A couple coworkers and I decided to go see Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 opening night. There was a showing at 10:00 pm! Perfect, I knew I had work the next day, but I wanted to see it. I do enjoy Twilight. I'm not obsessed. I just enjoy the story. I do so ever enjoy stories.
          This is where it gets interesting. I saw the movie, enjoyed it thoroughly,  then went home. I live in an apartment complex where parking is quite scarce after 9 pm, so I had to park a couple buildings down from mine. On my walk to my building, I was humming the ending song, enjoying the feel-good feeling I had from the inspirational end. "True love triumphs!" I thought to myself...and that's when I heard a nasty little voice from the back of my head, "But not in real life." When did I become so cynical. I mean, I knew I was cynical, but not to believe in true love? It was a terrible feeling. Then, I began to look back at my life...I'd always wanted to believe in true love, but I never really had. No, I was not going to be that person.
          So, I came inside and sat on my couch for a good hour. How could I fix this? I had absolutely no faith in love. I stilled myself, and began to listen. I am a spiritual person despite my utter lack of faith in organized religion. I think we each have a very personal relationship with God, and just like all relationships, some are better than others. Therefore, I listened for God. One year. Take one year, and renew your faith in love, whispered a quiet voice from the almost forgotten part of my soul. No sex, no relationships, just you and learning to love.
          How can one learn to love without relationships? That was my first question, but the answer came right after. You have to love yourself before you can love others, and it's a fight I fight everyday. I had very low self esteem, and while it's much better than it used to be, I am still quite insecure. I used sex as a bonding mechanism, and when a lover left, it justified the insecurities. I was in an unhealthy destructive cycle. And now, now I was going to end it.

Lesson:

If you listen, the answer is there.
   

Day 1

          A bit of background. I am going through a divorce. I moved to Colorado in order to start over and go to school. I have been dating since I moved here, but I have been getting more and more irritated with my situation when it comes to men. Why on earth could I only find the bad ones? This was ridiculous. I am an intelligent  attractive, well rounded woman. When speaking to a friend of mine, all I could say is that, "I am tired." Life has worn me down.

         Well, come November 14th, my birthday, a series of unfortunate events lead me to make a choice. No sex for year. I was done. With everyone.  With everything. I didn't want drama. I didn't want manipulators. I didn't want attention seekers. I was just done. My energy stores were depleted. It was time to recharge. It was time to take care of me.

Lesson:

Sometimes you just have to take a break, and care for yourself.


P.S. Each post, I will post a picture that I love.

Disclaimer: 99% of the pictures are taken from Pinterest, if an image is your intellectual property, let me know so I can give you credit!