Day 17

          I believe in signs. I have been ridiculed for this many times. People think it's silly, barbaric even. But to me, everything happens for a reason and everything has its purpose. I had been planning on looking for laboratory jobs, but hadn't had the time to start. However, I did start when I got home from work. I had the wonderful experience of being given the sign of having an allergic reaction to chemicals at my work. I probably will stay at that job until I graduate, just because I go to school for 12 hours a day on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I do believe, though, that it was the Universe's way of kicking my rear in gear. So, here I go, puttering along, looking for a job in my dream field...wish me luck.

Lesson:

If you make a commitment, the Universe will hold you to it, or you run the risk of suffering it's wrath.

Day 16

          Currently, I am reading Mists of Avalon. I'm only through part one, but it truly is a moving tale. I've always loved the tale of King Arthur, and I always felt bad for Morgaine. I like that the book addresses events from her perspective. It also makes me want to get back to my faith. I have always struggled with mainstream Christianity, I do however think Jesus was a good man and had many good lessons to teach. I myself, feel more comfortable in a shaman based religion. I have the belief that we all are meant to walk different paths, this path is mine and mine alone to bear. I love that I have a personal relationship to the higher power (I believe all Gods and Goddesses are really just the same higher power wearing different masks), and I think that reading this book has renewed my drive to continue my religious studies. Many will disagree with my choices, but it is not their place to judge.


Lesson:

A personal relationship with God is possible, but just like any relationship it must be constantly cultivated.

Day 15

           I find myself drawn to everyday peacocking. You know, when you feel the need to one up the person you're talking to. I've realized it comes from my own insecurities. I feel like I need to prove myself in order to be noticed. I hate feeling invisible. I don't want to disappear, and that is what I must face. I have to get to the point of quiet confidence, the one where the quietest person in the room is the most interesting, and that person is me. The only way I can think of achieving this is by living it. With my jobs and school I can't take a bow of silence. I can, however, aim to speak only when necessary.  Any one who knows me, knows this will be practically impossible, so it will take practice and a lot of time. So, each day, I will try my best to hold my tongue and speak only of the important things things. I think small talk is an important skill, but there is a difference between small talk and talking just to talk...the latter of which I do quite often.

Lesson:

Confidence is not screaming at the top of your lungs to get attention, it is quiet and self assured.

Day 14

          I find education to be one of the most important things in life, and one of the most pleasurable. Not just school, but life. I love to learn new things, whether it is a recipe or a tutorial on making a body scrub on Pinterest. The more new things we learn, the better rounded and more versatile we are. Versatility is a good thing, it makes sure there are always doors open. I've always wondered how athletes can focus only on their sport. If they become injured, they have no other option. Plus, they can't hold a broad spectrum of conversations, limiting the people that they can talk to. This applies to any single minded person. It is a good thing to learn, even if you don't manage it the first time. That's why my next step is that I won't turn down the next person who asks me to go bowling. Despite my years of demanding it is the devil's sport (really, I just have no depth perception and get terrible scores every time), it is time for me to let go of my narrow mindedness, and enjoy the life that has been giving to me.


Lesson:

Let go of you close-minded ways and live.

Day 13

          Perfectionism is the root of all (okay, most) emotional pain. It is for the lack of perfection that we suffer. So, in order to avoid suffering, we must let go of our ideas of what, who, and how something is perfect. My example is running errands. I have to go here to get my car inspected, here to get my tires rotated and balanced, call here to schedule an appointment, go here to enroll, go here to register my car. Not to mention get homework and VA paperwork filled out. All of this causes me anxiety, but I never really wondered why. But now I know. I am afraid I will do something wrong, that I'll be ill-prepared, that things won't go as I have planned ..as perfectly as I have planned. Rarely do they not, but I am racked with anxiety any time I have to run similar errands or fill out paperwork. Today's step was running all those errands I have feared. I feels as though the more I procrastinate the worse things seem in my mind, when really whatever it is that I'm avoiding it quite inconsequential.
          I did get everything done, and there was a slight hiccup, but disaster was avoided. So, all my worrying was for nothing. And that just proves my point.


Lesson:
Let go of your perfectionism, and do what you fear most.

Day 12

          I feel as though I am always working. I love my days off, but they're never really days off. I have to run here and there for errands or I have to clean or I have to do homework. This isn't helped by the fact that I work two different jobs in the service industry. I know they are jobs that someone must work, but I am ready for that person to not be me. I keep telling myself, "I want a big girl job." But why do I want an 8-5 job? I want weekends. I want time to myself that I can enjoy without wondering if there will be enough time. It's only going to get worse over the holidays as I won't have school to buffer the amount of hours I work. So, my goal is to start looking for this big girl job I so desperately want. I won't be able to start until May, as that is when I'm going to graduate, but it can't hurt to start looking. Plus, it'll make me feel like I'm doing something productive towards getting where I really want.
          Until then, I do what I can to take care of myself in little ways. Praying everyday, painting my nails a work appropriate colour, bubble baths, etc. So, let the hunt begin.


Lesson:
You can always work towards the direction you want, even if things may not change immediately.

Day 11

          Simplicity. Something I have never really understood until I realized it had crept into my life.  Luxury has been lost to gaudiness  However, today I have realized true luxury is about quality,  not quantity. This concept must be applied in every aspect of one's life before he or she can experience true luxury. I discovered this when I stopped to get coffee on my way to the bank. I used to have such a complex order, and now I am perfectly happy with a small black coffee and a croissant  Those two things can be incredibly satisfying as long as they are paid full attention to. I didn't even realize that I had taken my life on the simple but luxurious route until I was speaking to my mother about wanting to make vegetable stew. I told her how much I just wanted plain vegetable stew because it tasted so much better than a canned one, or one with a lot of spices. That's when it hit me, slowly but surely I have been learning to appreciate the simpler things in life. And not only is my life better for it, I feel like I am a better person because of it.


Lesson: 

Quality is better than quantity.

Day 10

          Today is Black Friday, curse of society that it is. I didn't feel well Thanksgiving night, and I haven't felt well all day. I think this has to do with my utter disgust in a society that escalates to violence the day after, or sometimes the day of, being thankful for what we have. Now, I can only speak for Christianity and Paganism (as those are the two religions I am closest to), but Christmas and Yule are not about presents.
          It hasn't been until the last couple years that I become exceptionally grateful for my upbringing, because I know what this time of year is really about. I know there is a movement, though still quite small, to regain the holidays for their true meaning. One way this movement is impacting society is by not participating in Black Friday. We understand that if people weren't willing to shop on Thanksgiving,  then stores wouldn't make money, and without the prospect of money, wouldn't be open on Thanksgiving  thus allowing more people to spend time with family and friends.
          I think part of the reason I struggle with the idea of true love, is that I am disgusted with society, and I forget there are others like me. So, today, I acknowledge that I am not alone and there there is hope for society...and me.

Lesson:

We all have the power to change society for the better if we just stand up for what we believe and realize we are not alone.

Day 9

          Today is Thanksgiving, and I have much to grateful for. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and people who love me. Gratitude is an important thing. Just learning to be grateful can dramatically improve one's life. It can be incredibly difficult at times, especially when it seems at though life has forsaken you. However, money cannot buy happiness, not can an ample amount of "friends", nor hurting those around you so they suffer too. We all cope with life in different ways. I propose, however,  that life isn't something to be "coped" with. There are always curve balls in life that we must face, but life itself should be enjoyed. And life can only truly be enjoyed if we recognize what we do have and if we are grateful for it.

Lesson:

Gratitude is the only way to reach happiness in life.

Day 8

         I am truly amazed at how much emotional muck can surface when one faces everything that has been ignored. I knew something was wrong all day, but I did my best to carry on. And then, finally, I wept. I am so mad. I should be spending Thanksgiving with my husband, instead, I am spending it with a family I don't know (though I am still grateful they are allowing me to attend). I am so angry that I have to rebuild my life...again. He just gave up. He couldn't work at it. I feel abandoned.  Unlovable.
          Since he left me, I have been in survival mode. But this process I have started is forcing me to grow, to change, and to let go. What's done is done. I cannot change his actions nor mine. So I must continue on. I must make the most of what I have, and know that there is a beautiful, rich, and happy life ahead.
          Tuesday I sold a couple of rings of mine. On my way to get them appraised I thought to myself, "I only need $200 for them. If I get more, I'll be happy, but I need at least $200." I got exactly $200 for them. While telling my mother about this (I am so lucky to have such a good relationship with her), I realized that I had told the Universe that I wanted to renew my faith in Love in exactly one year. Now, it is as if the Universe has accepted my premise and as long as I keep my eyes, ears, mind, and soul open I will get a new lesson everyday. This lesson is never more than I can handle, but it is always enough to make me feel uncomfortable, to push my boundaries. The Universe does provide.
          This is my life. I am living it right now. I cannot wait for the perfect moment to start. It must start now. I must live here and I must be here so that I may love here.

Lesson:
We all bury emotions and memories to survive. But eventually we must face these so that we may let go. For we must let go in order to live....in order to love.

Day 7

          The step I took today was to watch Coco Before Chanel. It is a beautiful movie. I think everyone should watch it, especially every woman. Her fierce independence is something to be admired. To be independent is a difficult thing. A lonely thing. But I have discovered, the more I learn to love myself, the less lonely I am. There are times, like this evening, that I do not seek the company of others. I would rather be alone, in my own company. My mind does however, travel a thousand miles a minute. And a long bubble bath revealed to me, that I have been rejecting myself. I have no idea where I came up with the idea that I am unworthy (which I brought up in my last post). No wonder everyone has rejected me, I have taught people how to treat me. I do not know where the basis for this thought is, but I now have a new goal: each day, when I look in the mirror, I will say kind things about myself.
          I think women have been taught that they're not good enough. It is the same paradox as to why any enslaved group does not over throw their oppressors despite their greater numbers. I think I finally understand that I have been victim to a male dominated society in which no woman is worthy, and she is saved by the grace of the love of a man. I need not fight to be worthy, for am worthy just by existing...so is every human being on this planet. As a living thing, I am worthy of love, compassion, freedom, faith, trust, honesty, etc. To say this is one thing, to break 24 years of social conditioning is another. I understand that I compensate for my feelings of unworthiness by trying to over achieve and be perfect in all that I do. I no longer want this. I want to be me. There will be those who accept me and those who don't, but I am going to live a life of joy. So, my new saying is, "I am worthy."
          I deserve my dreams. I deserve vacations. I deserve a job I love. I deserve a family. I deserve home. I deserve all of the things I want, I just have to go get them.

Lesson:

I am worthy (and so are you.)

Day 6

          While having a conversation with a fellow coworker, I realized that I am always fighting. Fighting for someone to love me. Fighting to protect my fragile heart. Fighting to prove my worth. I have been fighting the world. When did the world become such a terrible place? Why shouldn't I be loved for who I am? Who will attack my heart? Why do I think I'm not worthy? I don't want to live my life afraid of everything. I want to live in a world of beauty. I want to live in a world of amazing adventures. I've been surviving my entire life, but now I want to thrive. I want to live.
          A few weeks ago, I watched The Secret in my General Psychology class. Since then, I have watched it several times over. I never quite understood HOW to think positively, but each day a make little improvements. The more positive I am, the better life becomes. I do not know if this is because life really is getting better or just my perception of it. Either way, I feel better about my life, like it is good. Such a strange thing for me to say, a good life. I had always hoped I would say that, but I never believed I would. So, raise a glass of champagne to a life of beauty and adventure. The journey has already begun!

Lesson:
It is better to learn to embrace life than to fight it.

Day 5

          Here is cleaning out the closet, literally. I will take the majority of clothes from to a local consignment store in order to try to sell them. I have almost nothing left. I am okay with that. I want to start over, I want to be me. I'm tired of fighting to be something I'm not in order to fit in. I am a unique individual, and there's no reason that my wardrobe shouldn't mirror that. I am a beautiful woman, and my wardrobe should compliment my beauty. It's not something I really believe, but when I wear clothes that flatter my body, it is almost possible to believe. To feel beautiful is to be beautiful. I just want to have clothes that make me feel beautiful.

Lesson:
What is on the outside can affect what is on the inside, so pay attention to what you wear. What fits? What is your colour? Take pleasure in it. It is not bad to love yourself.

Day 4

           I was still anxious about the people I deleted. Would they call or try to add me again? I didn't want a confrontation. Then, I realized that's the only reason I had let them stick around in the first place. Fear. I cannot live in love and trust if I'm always afraid. And I still care about them, I just care about me more.
          So, today's step was going to be clearing out my closet. However, I am in a lot of pain as I worked a double today. Alas, I resigned myself to reading a book. French Women Don't Sleep Alone to be exact. I bought the book several years ago, read it and applied some of it, and forgot it. It did seem, to jump off my bookshelf though. So, it was time to drink a beer and get reading.  As I read, I came to the realization that it was really talking about loving yourself and sticking by it. Plus, have the self respect to wait for someone who is willing to treat you properly instead of like trash.

Lesson:

Even if you can't do what is planned, doesn't mean that you can't move towards your goal.

Update:
I slept better that night. The more positive I become, the better I sleep. You should try it sometime.

Day 3

         As a scientist and a lover of stories, I wanted to document this journey. At first I was going to keep it to myself.  But then something occurred to me, our society is falling apart (especially in the department of love). Others must be stuck in the same terrible beliefs and cycles, so I would share my story. I would show the world how to regain a faith so strong, that it would be the love of legends.
          It was a work day, luckily, I only worked my morning job that day. So, I got off at 2:00 then went to run errands. Once I got home, I poured myself a big glass of wine and thought of steps to be taken to renew my faith in love. First, I did what I had dreamed of doing for so long. I deleted all the toxic people out of my life. I went from 112 friends on Facebook to 67. Not all the people were toxic, but a lot of them were people I didn't talk to on a regular basis. I wanted good people in my life. I battle with my loneliness, especially after moving somewhere where I didn't know anyone. But I'd always been lonely, always wanted to be around people. Well, I was done with that. I only wanted people I loved and people who loved me in my life. And not that selfish kind of manipulative love, because that's not really love.
         Next I delete so many phone numbers out of my phone, it's not even funny. What's odd, is that this caused a lot of anxiety. Why? These were people that every time I saw their phone number or their profile picture, I got upset. I was afraid. I was walking headfirst into the unknown, and I just had to trust that everything was going to be okay. I got through it okay, and slept better that night.

Lesson:

Get rid of toxins. Your body can't survive if it's filled with toxins, so what makes you think your mind or life can.

Day 2

          No sex. Okay, I could do this. I only had two semesters left to get my Associates of Science. Then it was off to university to get my Bachelors. So, I went about my business. Went to school, paid attention, worked hard. 9-9 is a rough school schedule, and I'd been up late watching American Horror Story with a couple friends for my birthday the night before. I was tired, but the best was yet to come. A couple coworkers and I decided to go see Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 opening night. There was a showing at 10:00 pm! Perfect, I knew I had work the next day, but I wanted to see it. I do enjoy Twilight. I'm not obsessed. I just enjoy the story. I do so ever enjoy stories.
          This is where it gets interesting. I saw the movie, enjoyed it thoroughly,  then went home. I live in an apartment complex where parking is quite scarce after 9 pm, so I had to park a couple buildings down from mine. On my walk to my building, I was humming the ending song, enjoying the feel-good feeling I had from the inspirational end. "True love triumphs!" I thought to myself...and that's when I heard a nasty little voice from the back of my head, "But not in real life." When did I become so cynical. I mean, I knew I was cynical, but not to believe in true love? It was a terrible feeling. Then, I began to look back at my life...I'd always wanted to believe in true love, but I never really had. No, I was not going to be that person.
          So, I came inside and sat on my couch for a good hour. How could I fix this? I had absolutely no faith in love. I stilled myself, and began to listen. I am a spiritual person despite my utter lack of faith in organized religion. I think we each have a very personal relationship with God, and just like all relationships, some are better than others. Therefore, I listened for God. One year. Take one year, and renew your faith in love, whispered a quiet voice from the almost forgotten part of my soul. No sex, no relationships, just you and learning to love.
          How can one learn to love without relationships? That was my first question, but the answer came right after. You have to love yourself before you can love others, and it's a fight I fight everyday. I had very low self esteem, and while it's much better than it used to be, I am still quite insecure. I used sex as a bonding mechanism, and when a lover left, it justified the insecurities. I was in an unhealthy destructive cycle. And now, now I was going to end it.

Lesson:

If you listen, the answer is there.
   

Day 1

          A bit of background. I am going through a divorce. I moved to Colorado in order to start over and go to school. I have been dating since I moved here, but I have been getting more and more irritated with my situation when it comes to men. Why on earth could I only find the bad ones? This was ridiculous. I am an intelligent  attractive, well rounded woman. When speaking to a friend of mine, all I could say is that, "I am tired." Life has worn me down.

         Well, come November 14th, my birthday, a series of unfortunate events lead me to make a choice. No sex for year. I was done. With everyone.  With everything. I didn't want drama. I didn't want manipulators. I didn't want attention seekers. I was just done. My energy stores were depleted. It was time to recharge. It was time to take care of me.

Lesson:

Sometimes you just have to take a break, and care for yourself.


P.S. Each post, I will post a picture that I love.

Disclaimer: 99% of the pictures are taken from Pinterest, if an image is your intellectual property, let me know so I can give you credit!