Day 165

          I just got done pampering myself since  it's been a rough last couple weeks, and I found myself picking. Why? I think there's still some underlying things I need to work on. I don't know why I feel like I have to punish myself for taking care of me, but you bet your bottom dollar I'm going to find out.
          On another note, I want to talk about persistence  I wasn't at the top of my game yesterday (lack of sleep), and I was having a very difficult time functioning at the lab. However, I took my time and did what I could. I got a lot done, and I didn't screw anything up. I feel like I now have a plan for any of my bad days, persistence  I will do what I can at my pace, then at least something got done. If I clung to the go hard or go home feel of it all, I would've just gone home and probably wouldn't have been near as productive. I even got some homework done. Not all, but quite a bit. Overall, it was a highly productive day.

Lesson:

Persistence is the key.

Day 164

          Have you ever had someone say something to you that just made you think and think, and that was all you could think about? That happened to me today. I'm struggling with my inner self, trying to work out where I stand on the subject in relation to what I thought before and after I talked to them. I tend to do this a lot. I do not want to follow blindly, but then again, I don't want  to be close-minded. I seek to listen, comprehend, weigh the opinions and facts of the matter, and then make my decision.  It has a lot to do with integrity and whether or not I'm willing to make a choice, and stand by it...AND making that choice based on my beliefs and no one else's. By integrity, I mean the ability to be who you really are instead of caving to what others want you to be.
          Currently, I am in the "weighing the opinions and facts of the matter" stage. It's rather complicated and I feel as if my mind has thought itself into a knot. Luckily, no immediate decision is needed. It just gave me something to really think about. I think it's good to listen to others' opinions, even if you don't agree. I think that if you shut yourself off to things you don't want to hear, you cannot grow. Growth is an important part of human development, and many people avoid because it is uncomfortable. I've had several people tell me that I've "changed" over the past couple years. My response is that I haven't changed, I'm still me after all, I've just grown. This connects back to a self help book I've been reading. Yes, I read them. Yes, if you find the right ones (the majority are crap) they can help by making you question your preconceived ideas. Anyways, back to the point, it was that when someone grows, it brings to light whether or not the other person in the relationship (any kind of relationship) is also growing, and that when they're not all of their insecurities come to surface. I think that one of the most important things I've learned during this process is to recognize what the differences between my own thoughts and the thoughts of my insecurities are.
          One last note before I go to bed. Once you learn to recognize the voice of your insecurities, you then learn how to tell the difference between the voices of others and whether or not they're speaking from themselves or from their insecurities.

Lesson:

Hear your voice, not that of your insecurities.

Day 163

          The universe has seen fit to wake me up at 4:30 AM. I'm assuming so that it's so I can study for my tests today. So instead of going back to sleep like I normally do, I got up, did yoga, got ready. Now, I'm eating my breakfast and studying. I will probably go to school early too, so that I can study in peace without my dogs trying to play with me. I love them, but I need to do well on all of my tests so that I can pass my class. I've managed to stick to my morning and evening routines, and they're making the rest of my life much easier...now all I have to do is make them a habit.
          Speaking of habits, I find myself finally breaking an old habit of mine, trichotillomania on the a self harm level (I have scars). For those who don't know what trichotillomania is, it's a Obsessive Compulsive Disorder tic that involves pulling out ones hair. I've had it since 5th grade, and while it's not completely gone, my skin looks so much better. I have received treatment for my OCD, and taken many an antidepressant, however, the thing that has helped me the most has been anorexia community. I also struggled with anorexia when I was young, I was able to over come the eating part of the disorder but the mental obsession with food has ruled my life until recently. The "self love" aka "body love" movement is an excellent one, and I encourage anyone who has issues with body image (i.g. thinking you're fat, thinking you're ugly, thinking you're too scrawny) to start seeking treatment. I don't have health insurance, so I follow recovery blogs on Tumblr. I still find myself picking if I'm excessively stressed, but last semester my skin was a mess around finals time...now, I just might be able to wear short sleeved and sleeveless shirts this summer. Self hate is a disease that needs treatment one way or another, do not be afraid to seek treatment. And while it's kind for friends to compliment you, if they ignore that you're trying to tell them you need help, they're not really you're friends. However, it might help for you to start looking at stuff on your own, then when you're ready, seek treatment. I'm very lucky that I have good friends.

Lesson:

Love your body, no matter what condition it's in.

Tara Lynn Size 16US/48UK

Day 162

          I am naturally a pessimist. I'm sure I have written this several times, and I want to point out that it is so very true that I have to repeat it just so people get the severity of my pessimism. That being said, I am also a strong person. Told that I was weak and that I wouldn't amount to anything since I was younger (not by my mom, she always believed in me), I have a very hard time believing that I can do anything. My journey started out as an, "Oh yeah? Watch me!" sort of journey. Not just this reset to my beliefs on love, but my entire life has been a movement to show people they were wrong about me. I have now realized, my life needs to be about me and no one else (except when I have kids, but I'm not there yet). I've dreamed and dreamed of a better life, yet I've always been the anti-opinion. "I will not fail, I will not fail..." was my mantra. Such things have worked their way into my life, yet according to several spiritual laws, all the universe is getting is "fail." After that, it was "I will prevail, I will prevail." which still implies an awful lot of struggle. So now, my new manta as of this morning, "I will excel, I will excel." I don't need to be top of my class or the greatest scientist of all time, however, I'm not looking to fail either. So, if I excel I don't need to be the best, I just need to do well. I feel like that is something that I can accomplish without draining myself into a hallow person. Digging myself out of my current situation will not be easy, but it is possible. I've done the math; I'm talking about my Anatomy & Physiology II grade by the way. Now, I have to go apply myself, because I will excel. :)

Lesson:

You get back what you put out.

Day 161

          My life has been a blur recently. I'm not living up to my own expectations. I think I'm done with expectations. It's good to have hopes and dreams, but I expect far too much of myself. I have done incredible things in my life time. I'm not a super hero or a demigod. I am, however, full of magic and mystery.  I think our society's obsession with perfection, and super heroes with inhuman powers all stem from the same feelings of inadequacy, nothing more. We are beautiful just the way we are, in every aspect that we are. Those feelings of inadequacy form darkness within us where there was originally none. Look at our school system, we test memorization, not application. Students can cheat in school, but you cannot really cheat in real life; you can Google just about anything you don't know and your employer likes that you take initiative to learn something you didn't originally  There is something terribly wrong with our school systems and it is a reflection of what is wrong with our society.
          I am taking back my expectations. I refuse to live my life in accordance with others. I have a good heart, and when there isn't any pressure to be perfect, I flourish. So, why should I constantly suffer through feelings of inadequacy because I'm an not what others want? I will decide what I want, what is best for me, and how the hell to live my life. Anything else would be makings of unhappiness.

Lesson:

Do not live your life in accordance with others' expectations.