Day 134

          Little by little I make progress. I am clearing out my clutter, and it is uncovering some emotional...stuff. I realize I haven't forgiven myself and many others. I think that's a lot of what I've been holding on to. I feel like my history is what makes me...me, and I'm afraid if I forgive the past and let it be the past that I will disappear. So, I am making it my goal to forgive my past. I am forgiving all those who have hurt me, including myself. I am breaking a cycle of self hate that my family has taught me. They wanted to push me to be better, but hurt me in the process. I know that they love me, and I forgive them. They only did what they thought was best. I think this is an important lesson. When some one hurts you intentionally it is easier to brush them off as a bad person, but when some one you love hurts you when they try to help you it is much harder to forgive. These are the people who are supposed to protect you from pain not give it to you.
          Now, I must find it in myself to forgive. I am a better person for all my mistakes and all the lessons that others have taught me, but now I have to let go of them and that pain. The only thing I need to keep from my past is the lessons I've learned.

Lesson:

Forgive, for it is the greatest release.

Day 133

          I've realized how difficult it is for me to be friends with people who don't love to read. I absolutely love to read. I actually have to prevent myself from reading during the school year, because I ignore my homework in order to read. There's something about reading that soothes the soul. After I lost Squid, I did nothing but read. No one could pull me out. I escaped to a world where my problems didn't matter. Recently, I lent one of my favorite books to a friend. I love lending books and seeing what someone else thinks of them. Good books are like good poetry, they speak differently to each person. Books present us with situations that make us question our own actions. What would you do in that situation? Maybe I should join a book club. The problem with that, is that most people don't read the same books that I do and I don't want to get distracted from class. Yet, it might be a fun hobby. I'll have to look into that. Go read a book, and then give it to someone else. Let me learn what they need to learn.

Lesson:

Good books are like good poetry, they speak differently to each person.

Day 132

          I'm not really sure why, but I view naps as a sign of weakness. It hasn't been until recently that I've realized napping has absolutely no affect on how I sleep at night. I already have insomnia, it's not like taking a nap during the day is going to make me sleep any less. So where does my loathing of naps come from? I'm not really sure, but I intend to retake nap time. Not only do I have insomnia, but I also have chronic fatigue syndrome. While several people might use this to get disability, I don't want to. I want to be known for being a productive person. I will not leech of society just so I can be lazy. I think that's my biggest fear. Many people cannot tell that I suffer from several chronic conditions, and because they cannot see it, they do not believe it. This goes back to my worrisome self worrying about how other see me. No more, I have to take care of my body. If I need a nap, I will take one. It does not make me any less of a person, nor does it make me weak. I just have an understanding of what my body needs to run at full capacity. I need to give my body fuel to run on, and if that means taking a nap...so be it.

Lesson:

Naps are not evil, nor are they a sign of weakness. Take them.

Day 131

     So much clutter is gone. You can even see the floor to my closet. I'm actually happy today, as I was yesterday, and I realize that I am very uncomfortable being happy. I have no idea how to handle this. How silly is that? I don't know how to handle my own happiness. It's okay, though. I am learning as I go. I don't plan on letting this go anytime soon. I'll just have to get used to my own happiness. I think a lot of it has to do with my doing yoga. I am making an effort to  do it about 4 times a week, walking on the other days. I know that working out increases serotonin which helps fight depression, fibromayalgia, and chronic fatigue syndrome  as well as the effects of arthritis (all of which I have), but each and every one of those things make it difficult to get out of bed in the morning. Now, however, I have some momentum, and I want to keep it up. I've realized that I let these diseases and my stress get in the way of my productiveness, because I fear what I will become. I fear the me that isn't hindered by anything, that is truly me. Well, I'm ready to meet me...to be me. Well, now I'm off to be productive today as well! Have an excellent day!

Lesson:

I seriously have to stop  standing in my own way to discovering my true self.

Day 130

       I don't know if I'm the only person who has experienced this, but I recently discovered that I have certain likes that I didn't know I had. For example, I really love bees. I had never realized it until I was shopping and couldn't turn down these adorable bee canisters. There are other things too, I've never really cared for yellow, yet I like when it's a pale yellow paired with grey or other pastel colours. I don't think I've ever really taken the time to acknowledge my likes and dislikes. Dislikes are easier, but learning what you like/love can be difficult when you're constantly telling yourself you don't deserve happiness. It makes you not want to commit to anything, because you don't think you deserve happiness, so why would you like anything. It has only been since I've been focusing on my own happiness that I've realized some of the things that I enjoy are right in front of my face, I just couldn't see it through my misery. No more though, I am learning to love what I love.

Lesson:

Enjoy what you love. You deserve it.

Day 129

          Finally, I understand what it is to move on. It is the refusal to let you hold you back. I have been so trapped by my own ideas and my own beliefs, my constant negativity to myself. I have always believe that I cannot do anything. Today, I make the choice to let it go. Today I make the choice to throw away all that does not bring me joy, all that does not force me to grow. I choose to let go of any behavior that does not bring me closer to my goals, any behavior that holds me away from happiness. I do deserve happiness, but I get so caught up in everything I cannot see what is right in front of me. No more. It is time for me to live. I can now see where I am going...and it is beautiful.

Day 116

          I'm avoiding anything of importance. I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure it's because I am afraid I'm going to mess something up. I feel as though this fear is based in a society where getting it "right" is a big deal.  If you are wrong, you are bad. Nobody wants to be bad. I need to take all of this stuff I need to get done one step at a time, and allow myself breaks so I don't overwhelm myself. I must be kind and gentle, as I would be with a child. I can't let my fear of doing something "wrong" hold me back from living my life. I feel like once I take care of the things that seems to daunting now, I  might feel better. I know I'm avoiding certain things, important things. I always find a way to avoid them. I'm very good at it. I will fix this though. I will take baby steps towards my goal of being worry free, a little one each day will make my life better. I can just feel it!

Lesson:

Doing a little bit each day to chip away at daunting problems will leave you with a work of art called "life."

Day 115

           I don't know anyone who hasn't heard the phrase, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." It means that what some find ugly, others find beautiful. As I walked by a mirror in my house, I noticed my reflection. For one brief moment I captured by my beauty. My curves, my paleness, my eyes, my lips, my skin. I am beautiful. This realization only lasted a few moments, and I started to see pudge, acne, and my washed out appearance. That one moment got me thinking. Why do I not consider myself beautiful. I know I'm not unattractive, but I've never understood how people call me down right "beautiful." Something has happened in my mind. I have a warped self image. How do I fix this? I tried walking by the mirror again several times and I could not bring myself to see what I had just a few minutes before, but what has been seen cannot be unseen. I now know I am beautiful, and nothing can take that away. I think now, I must fight a battle of perception. Every time I hear a negative thought, I must remind myself it is not true. I have seen my beauty, I must remember what is true. I shall maintain my mission for better health, I want to live a long life. This goal is no longer superficial though, I am not working out and eating healthy to look pretty...I already am. I am seeking to care for myself, not to impress others. I think this realization is one of the greatest I've had during this year to renewing my faith in love.

Lesson:

What has been seen cannot be unseen.

Day 110

          We often come up with reasons why we can't do something. There's always something, physical limitations, mental ones, time one, financial ones...it's always something. Yet, there are some people who break their "limitations" everyday. What makes them so different? I want to say it is their willingness to believe. These people are probably just as afraid as you and I, but they continue on anyways. They do this because they believe there is a possibility. They have hope. I'm tired of living within my limits and I'm ready to break though and live life. I have to stop telling myself I can't, and start telling myself I can. I can't afford a cello, I can't do ballet anymore, I don't have time to work out...I'm changing all of these. I know I will slip up from time to time, but I believe I can have a better life.

Lesson:

Believe in hope.