Day 76

          Goal are an important part of life, but letting them control you life isn't a good idea. There has to be a fluidity to life, and only staying within one's plan to achieve a goal can be a hindrance rather than a help. I think life gives us situations that allow us to grow. It is up to us to do the growing, though. We are the ones that have to make the effort. Though it is difficult, that growth often gets us closer goals even if we don't see it right away. Despite all the pain I have faced in my life, I have grown exponentially as a person, far beyond my dreams. Actually, I'm nowhere near where I had dreamed I'd be when I was young, but I am by far much happier than I ever believed I could be.

Lessons:

Learn the lessons life gives you on you way to your goal, after all, it's the journey that counts.

Day 75

          Sometimes dreams really do come true. I got the job in the laboratory I wanted. I am both beyond excited and beyond frightened. This is my future coming true at this very moment, and I do not know how to not explode. What do you do when your dreams come true. Celebrate, of course! But after that, I've achieved one goal...now I must achieve another one. Will the cycle ever end? We all need goals, but to attack them with all we have all the time leaves us weak and unhappy. I want to enjoy my journey to the next level of life.

Lesson:

Enjoy what you have while you work for what you want.

Day 74

          There is a new movement of self love going about the internet, and it makes me very proud of how far women have come. I'm sure men must be oppressed in some ways, however, I am female and I know not their lives. I do know mine, though, and it has been poisoned by the media. I should be thin. In high school I thought, 125 lbs was fat for my height (5'4"). At my heaviest I weighed just 167 lbs, and that was at the beginning of 2012. Since then, I have lost 20 lbs. I am officially the average female. 5'4" and 142 lbs. Yet, why do I still feel overweight? I feel unattractive at my current size....yet, I am average. What does the fact that the average female feels unattractive say about our society?
          I think fitness and health are good things to work for. I do not, however, think that we should be driven by the belief that we are somehow inadequate. When we finally learn that we are beautiful no matter what, that fitness and health are useless. Everything is useless if we hate ourselves.

Lesson:

Live your life because you love yourself, otherwise it is a life not worth living.

Day 73

          What is passion? How can it be different than obsession, just general fondness? Passion is something that takes your breath away. It can be good, it can be evil, but passion is what makes life worth living. It's what makes you move forward when you are afraid, it is the quiet voice in your heart that tells you to take the risk. I feel like Americans have been trapped by their Puritan background, we lost the definition of passion. We have, instead, replaced it with obsession, this unhealthy yearning to fill a hole in our hearts. That hole is only there because we lack passion, and fear it. It seems we are afraid of the power passion holds. We fear the loss of control, we chose our obsessions we tell ourselves, that we can stop at any time. Passion is courageous, unbridled by any man made concept. It merely is...and I think that is what frightens us the most. It is. We question so much, and all must have a purpose. Even our vacations have the purpose of getting away. I propose that we learn our passions and follow them blindly. I feel as this may be the only true path to happiness.

Lesson:

Find your passion and follow it.

Day 72

          I want to travel the world. I want to see all of its beauty. I am a scientist, but I do believe in a higher power. I see life, in all of its forms as art. Not only that, but I feel as if every culture has something to offer, and I want to learn it all. I think it's time I made a plan for a vacation. I'll start small, and work my way up. I'm starting to dream of being somewhere else, and I don't think it's just because I'm bored. I'm tired of being a workaholic; I want to live. I want my dreams to come true. Why can't I have that. So often, I tell myself that I can't do something, and I'm tired of it. I can't live my life my telling myself what I can do...that's just no fun.

Lesson:

Live life by telling yourself you can.

Day 71

          Family is a funny thing. My family especially. We love each other very much, and expect just as much. I feel as this is true of most love. But what separates "love" (we will used fondness from now on) from true love is what we do when those expectations are let down. When someone is fond of someone else, they become so hurt they refuse to look past it. They allow their pain to get in the way of their fondness. However, when someone truly loves another and their expectations are shattered, they look past that hurt and continue to love that person. Now, just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be with them, it only means that you love them. Life isn't always returned, but it is always there. I think that family is a mix between fondness and love. There are some people in my family that I love, and there are some people in my family that I am fond of. I think this is true of every family. I do not think this is a bad thing, only an honest thing in a subject in which there is rarely honesty.

Lesson:

There is a difference between love and fondness, and it applies to all areas of life.

Day 70

     The first day of school. Intense. I've already taken several pages of notes in Anatomy & Physiology II as well as having to survive my Composition II and American Government classes. This is all so incredibly overwhelming. I am afraid. Will I be able to keep up with everything? How will I survive? I keep telling myself one step at a time, but I feel like there is this voice inside me screaming that I can't do this, I can't do anything. Why do I have so much self doubt. I always try to figure out what I am afraid of and talk myself down. But now, I am not sure which I am afraid of more, failure of success. I have never really been successful in my life and it is a new and frightening idea to believe that I might actually achieve my dreams. There is so much fear...and so much doubt. I feel paralyzed by it. How do I cope? I don't suppose I do, I get up in the morning and I do what needs to be done, but I have never really come to terms what is happening in my life. There is no acceptance, only survival. I don't want to live this way, but I'm not sure how to change this.

Lesson:

Do you fear failure, or do you fear success? Really think about it. The answer may surprise you.

Day 69

          Worked a double today, have my first day of school tomorrow. Balancing everything is much more difficult than it seems. I don't feel like I do a very good job. However, I passed all of my classes this last semester, and I only have one science class this semester as opposed to two. So, here is to hoping for a better life. After all that's what this journey is for. I moved to Colorado and started a new life. Life takes time, something I've realized is that I am very focused on the destination. I wonder if that's why I feel so empty. I am constantly working towards something, never stopping, never breathing.  I've only ever had 1 real vacation. No wonder I'm so tired, but school is starting and I'll constantly be doing homework. My only option is to my best to balance the world on my shoulders.

Lesson:

To say that is is the journey that counts is entirely different than experiencing it.

Day 68

          I have always been baffled by those who are optimists. Are you really that happy or are you putting on a front? I am a pessimist. I figure if I plan for everything to go wrong and something goes even partially right, then I am pleased. For example, I predict I will fail a test, I get a C, I am quite pleased. However, if I predict I'm going to get an A and I get a C, I am quite disappointed. It's a mental game of cat and mouse I play with myself, and I don't know of it is the best way of thinking. So, do I change my way of thinking? And if I do, am I no longer being true to myself? To create some sort of compromise, to try to be happy with where I am at as of right now. I am not, but I am trying. You know, that whole "letting go" thing. I was able to let go of external things, yet, I seem to have a much harder time letting go of internal things. Still, I know it is important, so I try a little everyday. That's all anyone can ask.

Lesson:

It's easier to be objective than to be subjective.

Day 67

          I have faced many things in my life, including depression. Yet, no matter how often I tell myself my depression is nothing more than a chemical imbalance, I can't seem to pull myself out. I work, I sleep, I clean, and yet I cannot drag myself out of bed. I find myself panicked by the thought of school starting. It's my last semester of my associate degree and yet I still can barely contain my fear. I wish to find my center so that I may face this fear with calmness. However, I find myself falling short. Yet, I only fall short in my eyes and no one else's, I suppose I should be kinder to myself. Allow myself to be human. I feel as of that is going to be much harder than it sounds.

Lesson:

Do not allow your expectations to ruin what you actually accomplish.

Day 66

          Today, I was not nearly as productive as yesterday. I have been seeking the root of my depression. I know most of it is just a chemical imbalance in my brain, but then I really look at my life it's hard not to see everything that has lead me to this moment. The most devastating is losing my child and my husband thereafter. I have watched several movies and read many books that have touched on the subject of miscarriage. None of them do the pain justice. I know many of my friends have gotten annoyed with me...lingering on the subject. They wonder why I just can't get over it. Some of them have dealt with it. All I can say is that every person is different, every person deals with pain differently. I have so much guilt since that day. I always feel like it's my fault. Just like I feel like Michael leaving me was my fault. I get depressed, it takes me a long time to pull myself out. I am like two different people. I know this about myself, I'm not really sure how to change it, or if I should. Would I be denying who I am, or would I be changing for the better?

Lesson:

There is not always a clear answer.

Day 65

           I can tell I'm avoiding something deeper...I'm cleaning again. On the bright side, I took care of a lot of clutter. I guess it's a positive/productive way to avoid something. I know that I am avoiding emailing my program director for my internship, because I can't think of what to say. I'm also avoid delving deeper into why I am depressed...although, I'm pretty sure it's because I'm lonely and we're coming up on February. To anyone who doesn't know me, I found out two years ago that I had miscarried on February 1st. I already had bad luck when it came to that month, so the miscarriage didn't help. Now, just before February hits I fall into a deep depression, last year it required medication...this year I don't have insurance, so I don't have a choice but to make it through somehow. I refuse to give up, I refuse to back down.

Lesson:

Sometimes we avoid thing. It is inevitable. So, we might as well make ourselves productive while we're at it.

His mustache makes me smile...a lot.

Day 64

          I feel like all I do these days is work and sleep. That I have lost all sense of who I am. That I have lost all sense of purpose. Yet, I feel like the old saying is true. It is always darkest before the dawn. I plan to live a full and happy life, so this is only the darkness before the dawn. I feel like if I have faith and continue forward that I will soon leave this darkness behind. I don't really know where I got this hope from...do all people have it? Is it just a select few? Who are we that we never lose hope. I have been discouraged several times, but I have never given up hop. I have always found a way to move forward, even when life has brought me to my knees. What is it that gives me hope? Or is it hope at all? What if it is sheer stubbornness ..I wouldn't put it past me. Either way, I must continue.

Lesson:

It doesn't really matter why you continue, just as long as you do.

Day 63

          Today I woke up unhappy, and then I realized that I've been unhappy for quite some time. I am struggling. Depression has taken a deep root in my heart again. The most I can do is wait it out. Each day, I try to make decisions that will bring me joy, as I struggle to keep myself from hiding in my bed. I'm not sure why I feel like the dark is closing around me again, however I refuse to falter. I still feel in my heart that coming out here was the right thing to do and I shall do my best to stay positive.

Lesson:
Sometimes you just have to carry on.

Day 62

          Our bodies speak to us, they let us know when we are healthy and they let us know when we are ill. If we listen to our bodies, we can live much healthier lives. For example, I am allergic to some of the preservatives that companies put in food. That is my body's way of telling me that those preservatives are bad for me. So, when I was feeling under the weather today, I allowed my boss to send me home early so that I could rest. There has been a very adept virus going around and in order to help my body fight it off I must give my body what it needs to fight it off. That includes probiotics, vitamin C, and lots and lost of sleep.  When I was younger I just powered through, but as I've gotten older I've realized we've only got one body, so we should take care of the one we have. I like how that lesson has worked its way into the rest of my life. I care for what I own that way I save money. Now all I have to do is get better. Good night. :)

Lesson:

You've only got one body, care for it as such.

Day 61

          A good start to your day can make even the hardest day better. Today wasn't particularly hard, I worked a double, which is good because I need the money, but since starting my internship I realize how menial my current jobs are. They pay, and I am grateful for that, however, they are incredibly simple. I look forward to the day that I only work one job, one that challenges me and allows for personal growth and achievement. However, I am where I need to be right now. Back to the good start. I am trying to figure out a way to have a good start to everyday. Breakfast and prayer are a start, but I can't wake up and make blueberry pancakes, bacon, and eggs for someone I care about every morning (despite how nice that would be). I want to get to a place where every morning is a good morning, because my mornings tend to set the tone for my day. There are always exceptions to the rules, but it does seem to be generally true. So, a new mini mission of mine is to find the best start to my day that I can.

Lesson:

Do your best to start the day off well, and the rest of the day will tend to follow.

Day 60

          "A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts." I've heard several iterations of this thought over my life span, and I've always questioned it's validity. Would a man who lies be more prone or less prone to lie when drunk, or does it change at all. I think I've decided that a man can think and say all he wants, drunk or sober, but that it is his actions, both drunk and sober, that speak of his character. I'm not denying alcohol's ability to lower inhibitions and act as a type of liquid courage, but I am denying  that all words spoken in a drunken state are true. Actions, however, are truth in motion. The interpretations of certain actions vary, but the action took place no matter the words. This is something I feel I must contemplate more on.

Lesson:

Sometimes, even we do not know where we stand. That is when we must investigate what lies in our soul.

Day 59

          Have you ever had someone tell you if you need help, you're welcome to ask? I never seem to follow up on these offers. I don't know why not. I guess I'm just stubborn that way. Well, I'm done with that. My microbiology teacher has offered to help me decipher some of the higher level papers on prion research (prions are the things that cause mad cow disease). I am going to make a point to do this as they are the field of study that I'm trying to go into, so I need as much knowledge as I can get my hands on. I think in my rebellion to debt, I've ended up rebelling against help in general. I'm am going to have to make more of an effort to separate the two, so that I don't lose sight of what's important.

Lesson:

It is okay to accept the kindness and help of others.

Day 58

          Today we were learning Biotechnology techniques in the lab for my internship. I have never had so much fun. People make a living doing this. I could make a living having fun...scary thought. I love cooking, I love drawing, I love dance, I even love Russian despite my struggles with it. However, none of these were my top career choices. I didn't really ever have a career choice, every choice has been a way for me to bide time until I have a family. This is the first time in my life that a career is what I'm looking for. Yes, I am in love, but I have decided that I will that grow on its own time, so my focus must be elsewhere. And why shouldn't that elsewhere be somewhere I love and enjoy my day. The lab procedures are very strict and yet I have so much fun...I've never had this much fun within the rules. Despite my financial situation, I am quite happy. This is the first time I can say that...in the entirety of my life.

Lesson:

Find you passion, and then live it.

Day 57

          I spent an hour at the bank today. My rent check bounced due to a bank error. It's fixed now, but I had been stressing so much. I don't know why I haven't learned to trust the universe yet. Everything I have ever needed has been provided for me. I pray, now I just need to trust. I must allow the universe to work in its own time. I am always in a rush. I always want results right now, I need to learn that everything will be okay and I only need to work at what I can and let the Gods do the rest.

Lesson:

There is only so much you can do. Do it and let the rest be.

Day 56

          Acts of love are quiet. There is no universal act of love, only something that is meaningful between two people. My finances have been incredibly tight this month, and will be next month. I just found out I won't be getting paid until February 15th for my internship. I live in an expensive apartment, and while I plan on moving, I must wait until my lease is up. The man I mentioned in my post about falling in love gave one act of kindness that meant the world to me. His actions not only allowed me to pay my bills, but his words gave me a peace of mind that I haven't known for a long time. I do not know if he'll ever know how much his actions meant to me, and I am okay with that. It just means that I'm am plotting my revenge (an act of kindness, of course). :) Despite being in the dark, his actions gave me hope. My future with him is unknown, but he has earned himself a place in my heart deeper than I originally though.

Lesson:

Acts of love are the least expected acts of kindness.

Day 55

          There still are kind people in this world. They seem to be few and far between, but they are there. But in order to keep these people kind, we must accept their kindness graciously and let them know how much they are appreciated. Even if they ask for nothing in return, to know that their kindness has impacted someone's life is a gift that they may not have been expecting. Saying thank you goes a long way, a lot longer than we realize.

Lesson:

Say, "Thank you."

Day 54

          I am in love. I don't know if anything will come of this love. It is more a statement of fact. I have always had the ability to love several people at once, but this is the first time in my life I don't feel the need to. Yes, I care about others, but I really do love this person. I find it interesting that I've fallen in love during such an odd time. Not that I haven't loved this man for a while, but it is finally sinking in. My reaction, is to act on nothing. To take my time and allow this to grow naturally. I will force nothing.  I will make no effort to change me or said person that I love. I want to see how this will progress if I don't let my insecurities drive my relationship status. I am afraid and intrigued at the same time.

Lesson:

There's no point in denying the obvious.

Day 53

          Sometimes, you just have to sleep. I've discovered that I fight sleep. I don't like it, and I don't want to...it's like I never got done rebelling against nap time. Well I'm done with that, I reclaim nap time!

Lesson:

Take a nap.

Day 52

          There is no right or wrong answer. Being raised by a very Christian family it is a hard concept for me to understand. Our souls are all in different places at different times. We must be able to accept that our hearts will tell us what is right, and that we cannot allow previous damage to colour our opinions of what is and what will be. In choosing a future path, there is no right or wrong answer. Certainly, some are better than others, but nothing is truly wrong and nothing is truly right. Once we have the ability to accept our freedom, we have the ability to make informed decisions that we can live with and possibly even enjoy. If we live in constant fear of making the "wrong" decision, we paralyze ourselves in to making no decision at all, or we regret making any decision we make because we are constantly imagining what "could have" been. It's time to take back our freedom and it's time to choose.

Lesson:

There is no right or wrong answer, there is only choice.

Day 51

          Today was the first day of my internship. I was absolutely terrified. A new place with new people and the possibility for a new future. Never in  my life have I ever believed I make something of myself within our current societal constructs. Yes, if we lost all technology, I would create a new government that would become the basis for all governments to follow. My people would be safe, educated, and at peace unless threatened, then we would be a fierce army...or so I would like to believe. I never had much thought for the future other than that I wanted a family. Now, though, I can actually see a realistic future for me that doesn't involve me being a character in a science fiction apocalypse novel. There is a future for me, there is hope.

Lesson:

Keep your head in the clouds, but your feet on the ground.

Day 50

          Yesterday, I mentioned that society is what we allow. I would like to elaborate on that. I am not very fond of society these days. Words like "swag" and people like Snookie. People value these and let such things run their lives. This bothers me. There is an entire generation of people who do not value and education, who do not value class. I am afraid for our children, after all, they are our future. It is our responsibility to require more. If no one used the word "swag" it would not hold power, but people do...therefore it does. I claim a movement, a movement to end such things. If we refuse to give in, if we make the conscious decision of what we allow in our lives, the industry will have to follow, and all will benefit from it. I chose to take an active role in my life, and what I allow in it. It is hard, and sometimes I allow myself to get caught up in what is popular. Then, I take a moment to regain my center. Let us change society. Let us change the world.

Lesson:

We take an active role in where society goes, let us make sure we are taking it somewhere worth while.

Day 49

          The health industry makes such a profit this time of year, and I working in the food industry see a decrease. Everyone wants to lose weight. People will go to the gym and try fad diets. Society is pushing for more and more perfect people all while making the resources more and more scares. My new year's resolution is to take it slow, be me, and trust that everything will be alright. I ask that everyone take a stand against the ideal of perfect and instead try the ideal of being real. No games, no drama, only inner peace and true kindness. We are not what society makes us, we are what we choose to be and society is what we choose to allow. It is time we make the commitment to change. Nothing drastic, slow and steady wins the race. But one change a day can make all the difference.

Lesson:

Make one change for the better a day.