Day 66

          Today, I was not nearly as productive as yesterday. I have been seeking the root of my depression. I know most of it is just a chemical imbalance in my brain, but then I really look at my life it's hard not to see everything that has lead me to this moment. The most devastating is losing my child and my husband thereafter. I have watched several movies and read many books that have touched on the subject of miscarriage. None of them do the pain justice. I know many of my friends have gotten annoyed with me...lingering on the subject. They wonder why I just can't get over it. Some of them have dealt with it. All I can say is that every person is different, every person deals with pain differently. I have so much guilt since that day. I always feel like it's my fault. Just like I feel like Michael leaving me was my fault. I get depressed, it takes me a long time to pull myself out. I am like two different people. I know this about myself, I'm not really sure how to change it, or if I should. Would I be denying who I am, or would I be changing for the better?

Lesson:

There is not always a clear answer.

Day 65

           I can tell I'm avoiding something deeper...I'm cleaning again. On the bright side, I took care of a lot of clutter. I guess it's a positive/productive way to avoid something. I know that I am avoiding emailing my program director for my internship, because I can't think of what to say. I'm also avoid delving deeper into why I am depressed...although, I'm pretty sure it's because I'm lonely and we're coming up on February. To anyone who doesn't know me, I found out two years ago that I had miscarried on February 1st. I already had bad luck when it came to that month, so the miscarriage didn't help. Now, just before February hits I fall into a deep depression, last year it required medication...this year I don't have insurance, so I don't have a choice but to make it through somehow. I refuse to give up, I refuse to back down.

Lesson:

Sometimes we avoid thing. It is inevitable. So, we might as well make ourselves productive while we're at it.

His mustache makes me smile...a lot.