Day 2

          No sex. Okay, I could do this. I only had two semesters left to get my Associates of Science. Then it was off to university to get my Bachelors. So, I went about my business. Went to school, paid attention, worked hard. 9-9 is a rough school schedule, and I'd been up late watching American Horror Story with a couple friends for my birthday the night before. I was tired, but the best was yet to come. A couple coworkers and I decided to go see Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 opening night. There was a showing at 10:00 pm! Perfect, I knew I had work the next day, but I wanted to see it. I do enjoy Twilight. I'm not obsessed. I just enjoy the story. I do so ever enjoy stories.
          This is where it gets interesting. I saw the movie, enjoyed it thoroughly,  then went home. I live in an apartment complex where parking is quite scarce after 9 pm, so I had to park a couple buildings down from mine. On my walk to my building, I was humming the ending song, enjoying the feel-good feeling I had from the inspirational end. "True love triumphs!" I thought to myself...and that's when I heard a nasty little voice from the back of my head, "But not in real life." When did I become so cynical. I mean, I knew I was cynical, but not to believe in true love? It was a terrible feeling. Then, I began to look back at my life...I'd always wanted to believe in true love, but I never really had. No, I was not going to be that person.
          So, I came inside and sat on my couch for a good hour. How could I fix this? I had absolutely no faith in love. I stilled myself, and began to listen. I am a spiritual person despite my utter lack of faith in organized religion. I think we each have a very personal relationship with God, and just like all relationships, some are better than others. Therefore, I listened for God. One year. Take one year, and renew your faith in love, whispered a quiet voice from the almost forgotten part of my soul. No sex, no relationships, just you and learning to love.
          How can one learn to love without relationships? That was my first question, but the answer came right after. You have to love yourself before you can love others, and it's a fight I fight everyday. I had very low self esteem, and while it's much better than it used to be, I am still quite insecure. I used sex as a bonding mechanism, and when a lover left, it justified the insecurities. I was in an unhealthy destructive cycle. And now, now I was going to end it.

Lesson:

If you listen, the answer is there.