Day 7

          The step I took today was to watch Coco Before Chanel. It is a beautiful movie. I think everyone should watch it, especially every woman. Her fierce independence is something to be admired. To be independent is a difficult thing. A lonely thing. But I have discovered, the more I learn to love myself, the less lonely I am. There are times, like this evening, that I do not seek the company of others. I would rather be alone, in my own company. My mind does however, travel a thousand miles a minute. And a long bubble bath revealed to me, that I have been rejecting myself. I have no idea where I came up with the idea that I am unworthy (which I brought up in my last post). No wonder everyone has rejected me, I have taught people how to treat me. I do not know where the basis for this thought is, but I now have a new goal: each day, when I look in the mirror, I will say kind things about myself.
          I think women have been taught that they're not good enough. It is the same paradox as to why any enslaved group does not over throw their oppressors despite their greater numbers. I think I finally understand that I have been victim to a male dominated society in which no woman is worthy, and she is saved by the grace of the love of a man. I need not fight to be worthy, for am worthy just by existing...so is every human being on this planet. As a living thing, I am worthy of love, compassion, freedom, faith, trust, honesty, etc. To say this is one thing, to break 24 years of social conditioning is another. I understand that I compensate for my feelings of unworthiness by trying to over achieve and be perfect in all that I do. I no longer want this. I want to be me. There will be those who accept me and those who don't, but I am going to live a life of joy. So, my new saying is, "I am worthy."
          I deserve my dreams. I deserve vacations. I deserve a job I love. I deserve a family. I deserve home. I deserve all of the things I want, I just have to go get them.

Lesson:

I am worthy (and so are you.)