Day 172

           Despite how refreshing my night was last night, it seems to have uncovered some things that were buried deeper than I've ever been on this journey or any before it. I have realized I deal with a lot of shame. I have spoken before on the importance of forgiving yourself, and none of this is an overnight process, each time you make the realization, you forgive a little deeper and chip away at the weight of the shame holding you down. I have been having revelation after revelation when it comes to me forgiving myself and letting go of my shame. Today I was able to ask myself , "By what scale do I judge myself?" The answer shocked me.
          I have long since rejected general Christianity as the religion for me. I still think Christ was an amazing person who taught amazing lessons, but I think the religion is used to control the masses as opposed to bring them closer to God. How could I support a religion that views women as inherently evil...as unclean.I am neither evil, nor unclean. By many Christian standards I am, though. And, having been raised in a Christian household, and I am discovering I have not let go of those beliefs. I know longer tell people I am Christian, and yet I hold myself to their morals. No wonder I feel a little bipolar. This was a hard realization for me, enough that I spent an hour picking at myself this morning as I tried to wrap my mind around it. I think there are universal laws, such as murder is bad (I do not view self defense as murder), however, we each must live our lives by our own morals, the ones we chose, the ones we feel in our hearts. If you feel the Bible adheres to your morals have at, if not, find your own.
          I have slept with a lot of people. I have been divorced twice. I am bisexual.I eat meat. I eat sweets. I don't exercise every day. There are so many things that I do in my life that makes Christianity think I am somehow less. I am not less. I am not ashamed of what I have done. Well, right now I am, but goal is not to be. Now, I must begin the daunting process of digging deeper, and finding my own beliefs. I do not have to live my morals by the beliefs of others. I am very afraid, but I have the feeling that the amount of release I will feel when I finally start living by my rules will far outweigh any fears I have right now.

Lesson:

Live your life according your morals and no one else's.