Day 194

          True love still exists. I just saw it happen in my apartment complex, in the building across my street. I was sitting on my balcony, writing melancholy poetry...like I do, when I heard "Red Dirt Road" playing quite loudly (that's a country song for you uneducated folks ;) ). Of course I get up to see what all the noise was about, because I was enjoying the quiet pre-rain weather, when what do I see but a man holding a boombox over his head. Boombox? Seriously? Who still owns a boombox? Of course shortly after a woman and her kid come out on the balcony and then she runs back inside and comes out the garage. They hug and dance until the song is over, and then he says "Happy anniversary  I love you." No one believes me when I say I have really good hearing. I want someone like that in my life. Not him, he was probably my parents' age, but someone who is a romantic at heart.
         This whole year has been about renewing my faith in love, and while I have grown, I don't think I made any progress towards that goal until today. I was not bitter, I did not think to myself, "That'll never happen to me." Today was the first day in a long time that I cried out of the beauty of love. How is it, that we have created a world where it's nearly impossible to believe in love? Where the damaged prey on the innocent, tearing them down and turning them into a copy of themselves? How is this possible? Today, I reclaim my soul as a romantic, a dreamer, and a lover. Yes, I'm still complicated and recovering and a force to be reckoned with. But I can now say, without a doubt, I believe in love. I don't remember the last time I was able to say that. I can say it now, and that's all that really matters.

Lesson:

True love still exists.

Day 192

         Consumerism has a hold on us all. We are not self sufficient. I admit, I am  part of the problem. There is a root to this belief system though. We must ask ourselves WHY consumerism plays such a large role in our lives. Why don't we want to be self sufficient? I'm pretty sure the answer is that we believe we deserve better than having to do our own work. We think that we are above any particular sort of work, and that someone else should have to do it. We all want to be rich and famous. We all want to have the money not to work. Really evaluate the type of morals behind this. Would I love not to work? My initial response is yes, but when I really start to think about it, unless I'm raising children (a full time job in itself) I would go crazy if I wasn't working. We have become shallow as a race, and I think it's time to take back our souls.
          The green revolutions is, in general, a bunch of hokum. Unless you're seeking sustainable product, you're still screwing the environment. I'm glad it's got more people looking at caring for this planet, but you should care about our planet because it's the only one we have, not because it's popular. Do your best, but also do your research. Those antibacterial soaps you're using are terrible for the environment and your health, yet no one seems to do their research. All bacteria are bad we're taught. Our bodies could not survive without bacteria. Please, do your research  Look at both sides, and take a stand. Take time to actually look at your life and decide whether or not you will follow what the corporations pay millions to tell you that you should.

Lesson:

Don't just follow the crowd; be informed.

Day 191

     I want to talk about darkness. Humanity is obsessed with light and dark. Light is good, dark is bad. Look at one of the most popular mainstream religions, God is everlasting light. Do you know what consistent light does to the human body? I promise you, it's not pretty. I know, I know, it's a metaphor. But, seriously...think about it. Without darkness there is no light. We are so inherently afraid of darkness, we forget the light can hide just as many dangers as the dark. We also forget that there must be balance in the universe and within ourselves. I do not encourage the type of darkness that makes serial killers kill, but the darkness of grief and sorrow and pain. We must fight what society deems evil and learn it is not okay to hate part of our natural state.
          I am myself. I am both light and dark. This is okay. Everyone has a dark side, but the point is not to hide from it, but rather embrace it as part of yourself. Do not fear your own strength or your own weakness. We are all human. To love ourselves, we must love ALL of ourselves. The poem I wrote yesterday spoke of expecting a monster and finding a scared child instead. That's because the darkness within us stems from fear. All of our anger and hatred stem from our fears, our insecurities. So, it is time to take that child under our wing and begin to truly live. To accept every part of ourselves, and embrace life as a whole. Not only the light, for the dark is inevitable. Why not enjoy it?

Lesson:

Our darkness is just as important as our light.

Day 190

The Belly of the Beast

A hero's journey
Within; The darkness
The brave
The bold
The broken.

Many have made this journey
Many have fallen.

Some terrible monster

must lie within

This belly of the beast.

I scaled the mountain

And on that distant shore,

Lie that terrible beast,

Mouth wide and waiting.

That beast lie there,

On that wretched beach

Salt water crashing

Against its leather skin.

I climbed within the mouth.

A hero does not waiver.

A hero does not retreat.

I found myself in the belly of the beast.

There I was,

Cold and shaking

Barely breathing,

But a monster, I did not find.

A child, instead

Huddled in the corner,

Shivering.

How does one fight a child?

Many a day

Many a night

I pondered this question

With the acid lapping at my boots.

And in the stillness,

I took a breath.

I wrapped this child in my arms.

I said, "Be still, I am here."

I said, "You are loved."

I said, "You are safe."

I said, "You are me."

And with that,

The beast spit me out.

The child I could not see.

But deep in my heart

A gentle whisper,

"You are me."

I turned to face the beast,

But there was none.

I turned to climb the mountains,

But there were none.

I am me.

I am the mountains.

I am the child.

I am the beast.

I am infinite.

I found myself in the belly of the beast.

Day 172

           Despite how refreshing my night was last night, it seems to have uncovered some things that were buried deeper than I've ever been on this journey or any before it. I have realized I deal with a lot of shame. I have spoken before on the importance of forgiving yourself, and none of this is an overnight process, each time you make the realization, you forgive a little deeper and chip away at the weight of the shame holding you down. I have been having revelation after revelation when it comes to me forgiving myself and letting go of my shame. Today I was able to ask myself , "By what scale do I judge myself?" The answer shocked me.
          I have long since rejected general Christianity as the religion for me. I still think Christ was an amazing person who taught amazing lessons, but I think the religion is used to control the masses as opposed to bring them closer to God. How could I support a religion that views women as inherently evil...as unclean.I am neither evil, nor unclean. By many Christian standards I am, though. And, having been raised in a Christian household, and I am discovering I have not let go of those beliefs. I know longer tell people I am Christian, and yet I hold myself to their morals. No wonder I feel a little bipolar. This was a hard realization for me, enough that I spent an hour picking at myself this morning as I tried to wrap my mind around it. I think there are universal laws, such as murder is bad (I do not view self defense as murder), however, we each must live our lives by our own morals, the ones we chose, the ones we feel in our hearts. If you feel the Bible adheres to your morals have at, if not, find your own.
          I have slept with a lot of people. I have been divorced twice. I am bisexual.I eat meat. I eat sweets. I don't exercise every day. There are so many things that I do in my life that makes Christianity think I am somehow less. I am not less. I am not ashamed of what I have done. Well, right now I am, but goal is not to be. Now, I must begin the daunting process of digging deeper, and finding my own beliefs. I do not have to live my morals by the beliefs of others. I am very afraid, but I have the feeling that the amount of release I will feel when I finally start living by my rules will far outweigh any fears I have right now.

Lesson:

Live your life according your morals and no one else's.

Day 171

         This is more of a rant, so if you're not interested click away. Swagger vs Swag. I loath the word "Swag." I loath it in the most adamant way possible. There is NOTHING about this word like I like. Swag encourages young people that an education isn't important and that how you are perceived is how you are defined. A man can have swagger which I'm fairly neutral on, but it's an education that's attractive to me. Swag is a picture of what is wrong with our society. Swag is about disrespect towards oneself and others, along with outright laziness. We should be encouraging children to excel, not to float through life on "swag." Now, I understand the need to break away from mainstream society, but the manner in which individuals with "swag" do it, is just...disgusting. You deserve better, and the people around you deserve better. There are other ways to fight the system other than dressing above your budget and not paying your bills. It makes me sad that society has come to this. And while I am aware that it's my opinion, it changes nothing. I will not date men who use that word (or YOLO) for the sheer sake that I deserve better. I deserve and educated man who doesn't need a society approved lifestyle to succeed. I want a man, not a boy.

Lessons:

Opinions are just that, opinions. Take it or leave it.

Day 169

          I really just don't know how to set priorities. I always think I have them straight, and then I realize afterwards there was a much better way to prioritize my to do list. While I was seeing my last psychologist, she recommended writing down 3 things you want to get done each day in order of importance, for example: finish paper, change car oil, plan next week's menu. Importance in this case is defined by consequences. Paper is due tomorrow, car oil could wait another week, and no one will die if you don't menu plan even if it does save money. I have stopped doing that, and I feel like my grades have suffered because of it. On top or those three things, it is best to try to get them done ASAP. Try to set a specific time to get all of those things done, and while you can multitask, it's not recommended. You can work on a paper while at the shop getting your oil changed (if you don't do it yourself), but it'd be better just to sit down and get it done. Having remembered this, I'm going to start trying to prioritize better, and maybe then I'll be able to pass my Anatomy & Physiology II class. Well, I'm off to study for an A&P II test, wish me luck!

Lesson:

Learn to prioritize.

Day 165

          I just got done pampering myself since  it's been a rough last couple weeks, and I found myself picking. Why? I think there's still some underlying things I need to work on. I don't know why I feel like I have to punish myself for taking care of me, but you bet your bottom dollar I'm going to find out.
          On another note, I want to talk about persistence  I wasn't at the top of my game yesterday (lack of sleep), and I was having a very difficult time functioning at the lab. However, I took my time and did what I could. I got a lot done, and I didn't screw anything up. I feel like I now have a plan for any of my bad days, persistence  I will do what I can at my pace, then at least something got done. If I clung to the go hard or go home feel of it all, I would've just gone home and probably wouldn't have been near as productive. I even got some homework done. Not all, but quite a bit. Overall, it was a highly productive day.

Lesson:

Persistence is the key.

Day 164

          Have you ever had someone say something to you that just made you think and think, and that was all you could think about? That happened to me today. I'm struggling with my inner self, trying to work out where I stand on the subject in relation to what I thought before and after I talked to them. I tend to do this a lot. I do not want to follow blindly, but then again, I don't want  to be close-minded. I seek to listen, comprehend, weigh the opinions and facts of the matter, and then make my decision.  It has a lot to do with integrity and whether or not I'm willing to make a choice, and stand by it...AND making that choice based on my beliefs and no one else's. By integrity, I mean the ability to be who you really are instead of caving to what others want you to be.
          Currently, I am in the "weighing the opinions and facts of the matter" stage. It's rather complicated and I feel as if my mind has thought itself into a knot. Luckily, no immediate decision is needed. It just gave me something to really think about. I think it's good to listen to others' opinions, even if you don't agree. I think that if you shut yourself off to things you don't want to hear, you cannot grow. Growth is an important part of human development, and many people avoid because it is uncomfortable. I've had several people tell me that I've "changed" over the past couple years. My response is that I haven't changed, I'm still me after all, I've just grown. This connects back to a self help book I've been reading. Yes, I read them. Yes, if you find the right ones (the majority are crap) they can help by making you question your preconceived ideas. Anyways, back to the point, it was that when someone grows, it brings to light whether or not the other person in the relationship (any kind of relationship) is also growing, and that when they're not all of their insecurities come to surface. I think that one of the most important things I've learned during this process is to recognize what the differences between my own thoughts and the thoughts of my insecurities are.
          One last note before I go to bed. Once you learn to recognize the voice of your insecurities, you then learn how to tell the difference between the voices of others and whether or not they're speaking from themselves or from their insecurities.

Lesson:

Hear your voice, not that of your insecurities.

Day 163

          The universe has seen fit to wake me up at 4:30 AM. I'm assuming so that it's so I can study for my tests today. So instead of going back to sleep like I normally do, I got up, did yoga, got ready. Now, I'm eating my breakfast and studying. I will probably go to school early too, so that I can study in peace without my dogs trying to play with me. I love them, but I need to do well on all of my tests so that I can pass my class. I've managed to stick to my morning and evening routines, and they're making the rest of my life much easier...now all I have to do is make them a habit.
          Speaking of habits, I find myself finally breaking an old habit of mine, trichotillomania on the a self harm level (I have scars). For those who don't know what trichotillomania is, it's a Obsessive Compulsive Disorder tic that involves pulling out ones hair. I've had it since 5th grade, and while it's not completely gone, my skin looks so much better. I have received treatment for my OCD, and taken many an antidepressant, however, the thing that has helped me the most has been anorexia community. I also struggled with anorexia when I was young, I was able to over come the eating part of the disorder but the mental obsession with food has ruled my life until recently. The "self love" aka "body love" movement is an excellent one, and I encourage anyone who has issues with body image (i.g. thinking you're fat, thinking you're ugly, thinking you're too scrawny) to start seeking treatment. I don't have health insurance, so I follow recovery blogs on Tumblr. I still find myself picking if I'm excessively stressed, but last semester my skin was a mess around finals time...now, I just might be able to wear short sleeved and sleeveless shirts this summer. Self hate is a disease that needs treatment one way or another, do not be afraid to seek treatment. And while it's kind for friends to compliment you, if they ignore that you're trying to tell them you need help, they're not really you're friends. However, it might help for you to start looking at stuff on your own, then when you're ready, seek treatment. I'm very lucky that I have good friends.

Lesson:

Love your body, no matter what condition it's in.

Tara Lynn Size 16US/48UK

Day 162

          I am naturally a pessimist. I'm sure I have written this several times, and I want to point out that it is so very true that I have to repeat it just so people get the severity of my pessimism. That being said, I am also a strong person. Told that I was weak and that I wouldn't amount to anything since I was younger (not by my mom, she always believed in me), I have a very hard time believing that I can do anything. My journey started out as an, "Oh yeah? Watch me!" sort of journey. Not just this reset to my beliefs on love, but my entire life has been a movement to show people they were wrong about me. I have now realized, my life needs to be about me and no one else (except when I have kids, but I'm not there yet). I've dreamed and dreamed of a better life, yet I've always been the anti-opinion. "I will not fail, I will not fail..." was my mantra. Such things have worked their way into my life, yet according to several spiritual laws, all the universe is getting is "fail." After that, it was "I will prevail, I will prevail." which still implies an awful lot of struggle. So now, my new manta as of this morning, "I will excel, I will excel." I don't need to be top of my class or the greatest scientist of all time, however, I'm not looking to fail either. So, if I excel I don't need to be the best, I just need to do well. I feel like that is something that I can accomplish without draining myself into a hallow person. Digging myself out of my current situation will not be easy, but it is possible. I've done the math; I'm talking about my Anatomy & Physiology II grade by the way. Now, I have to go apply myself, because I will excel. :)

Lesson:

You get back what you put out.

Day 161

          My life has been a blur recently. I'm not living up to my own expectations. I think I'm done with expectations. It's good to have hopes and dreams, but I expect far too much of myself. I have done incredible things in my life time. I'm not a super hero or a demigod. I am, however, full of magic and mystery.  I think our society's obsession with perfection, and super heroes with inhuman powers all stem from the same feelings of inadequacy, nothing more. We are beautiful just the way we are, in every aspect that we are. Those feelings of inadequacy form darkness within us where there was originally none. Look at our school system, we test memorization, not application. Students can cheat in school, but you cannot really cheat in real life; you can Google just about anything you don't know and your employer likes that you take initiative to learn something you didn't originally  There is something terribly wrong with our school systems and it is a reflection of what is wrong with our society.
          I am taking back my expectations. I refuse to live my life in accordance with others. I have a good heart, and when there isn't any pressure to be perfect, I flourish. So, why should I constantly suffer through feelings of inadequacy because I'm an not what others want? I will decide what I want, what is best for me, and how the hell to live my life. Anything else would be makings of unhappiness.

Lesson:

Do not live your life in accordance with others' expectations.

Day 134

          Little by little I make progress. I am clearing out my clutter, and it is uncovering some emotional...stuff. I realize I haven't forgiven myself and many others. I think that's a lot of what I've been holding on to. I feel like my history is what makes me...me, and I'm afraid if I forgive the past and let it be the past that I will disappear. So, I am making it my goal to forgive my past. I am forgiving all those who have hurt me, including myself. I am breaking a cycle of self hate that my family has taught me. They wanted to push me to be better, but hurt me in the process. I know that they love me, and I forgive them. They only did what they thought was best. I think this is an important lesson. When some one hurts you intentionally it is easier to brush them off as a bad person, but when some one you love hurts you when they try to help you it is much harder to forgive. These are the people who are supposed to protect you from pain not give it to you.
          Now, I must find it in myself to forgive. I am a better person for all my mistakes and all the lessons that others have taught me, but now I have to let go of them and that pain. The only thing I need to keep from my past is the lessons I've learned.

Lesson:

Forgive, for it is the greatest release.

Day 133

          I've realized how difficult it is for me to be friends with people who don't love to read. I absolutely love to read. I actually have to prevent myself from reading during the school year, because I ignore my homework in order to read. There's something about reading that soothes the soul. After I lost Squid, I did nothing but read. No one could pull me out. I escaped to a world where my problems didn't matter. Recently, I lent one of my favorite books to a friend. I love lending books and seeing what someone else thinks of them. Good books are like good poetry, they speak differently to each person. Books present us with situations that make us question our own actions. What would you do in that situation? Maybe I should join a book club. The problem with that, is that most people don't read the same books that I do and I don't want to get distracted from class. Yet, it might be a fun hobby. I'll have to look into that. Go read a book, and then give it to someone else. Let me learn what they need to learn.

Lesson:

Good books are like good poetry, they speak differently to each person.

Day 132

          I'm not really sure why, but I view naps as a sign of weakness. It hasn't been until recently that I've realized napping has absolutely no affect on how I sleep at night. I already have insomnia, it's not like taking a nap during the day is going to make me sleep any less. So where does my loathing of naps come from? I'm not really sure, but I intend to retake nap time. Not only do I have insomnia, but I also have chronic fatigue syndrome. While several people might use this to get disability, I don't want to. I want to be known for being a productive person. I will not leech of society just so I can be lazy. I think that's my biggest fear. Many people cannot tell that I suffer from several chronic conditions, and because they cannot see it, they do not believe it. This goes back to my worrisome self worrying about how other see me. No more, I have to take care of my body. If I need a nap, I will take one. It does not make me any less of a person, nor does it make me weak. I just have an understanding of what my body needs to run at full capacity. I need to give my body fuel to run on, and if that means taking a nap...so be it.

Lesson:

Naps are not evil, nor are they a sign of weakness. Take them.

Day 131

     So much clutter is gone. You can even see the floor to my closet. I'm actually happy today, as I was yesterday, and I realize that I am very uncomfortable being happy. I have no idea how to handle this. How silly is that? I don't know how to handle my own happiness. It's okay, though. I am learning as I go. I don't plan on letting this go anytime soon. I'll just have to get used to my own happiness. I think a lot of it has to do with my doing yoga. I am making an effort to  do it about 4 times a week, walking on the other days. I know that working out increases serotonin which helps fight depression, fibromayalgia, and chronic fatigue syndrome  as well as the effects of arthritis (all of which I have), but each and every one of those things make it difficult to get out of bed in the morning. Now, however, I have some momentum, and I want to keep it up. I've realized that I let these diseases and my stress get in the way of my productiveness, because I fear what I will become. I fear the me that isn't hindered by anything, that is truly me. Well, I'm ready to meet me...to be me. Well, now I'm off to be productive today as well! Have an excellent day!

Lesson:

I seriously have to stop  standing in my own way to discovering my true self.

Day 130

       I don't know if I'm the only person who has experienced this, but I recently discovered that I have certain likes that I didn't know I had. For example, I really love bees. I had never realized it until I was shopping and couldn't turn down these adorable bee canisters. There are other things too, I've never really cared for yellow, yet I like when it's a pale yellow paired with grey or other pastel colours. I don't think I've ever really taken the time to acknowledge my likes and dislikes. Dislikes are easier, but learning what you like/love can be difficult when you're constantly telling yourself you don't deserve happiness. It makes you not want to commit to anything, because you don't think you deserve happiness, so why would you like anything. It has only been since I've been focusing on my own happiness that I've realized some of the things that I enjoy are right in front of my face, I just couldn't see it through my misery. No more though, I am learning to love what I love.

Lesson:

Enjoy what you love. You deserve it.

Day 129

          Finally, I understand what it is to move on. It is the refusal to let you hold you back. I have been so trapped by my own ideas and my own beliefs, my constant negativity to myself. I have always believe that I cannot do anything. Today, I make the choice to let it go. Today I make the choice to throw away all that does not bring me joy, all that does not force me to grow. I choose to let go of any behavior that does not bring me closer to my goals, any behavior that holds me away from happiness. I do deserve happiness, but I get so caught up in everything I cannot see what is right in front of me. No more. It is time for me to live. I can now see where I am going...and it is beautiful.

Day 116

          I'm avoiding anything of importance. I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure it's because I am afraid I'm going to mess something up. I feel as though this fear is based in a society where getting it "right" is a big deal.  If you are wrong, you are bad. Nobody wants to be bad. I need to take all of this stuff I need to get done one step at a time, and allow myself breaks so I don't overwhelm myself. I must be kind and gentle, as I would be with a child. I can't let my fear of doing something "wrong" hold me back from living my life. I feel like once I take care of the things that seems to daunting now, I  might feel better. I know I'm avoiding certain things, important things. I always find a way to avoid them. I'm very good at it. I will fix this though. I will take baby steps towards my goal of being worry free, a little one each day will make my life better. I can just feel it!

Lesson:

Doing a little bit each day to chip away at daunting problems will leave you with a work of art called "life."

Day 115

           I don't know anyone who hasn't heard the phrase, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." It means that what some find ugly, others find beautiful. As I walked by a mirror in my house, I noticed my reflection. For one brief moment I captured by my beauty. My curves, my paleness, my eyes, my lips, my skin. I am beautiful. This realization only lasted a few moments, and I started to see pudge, acne, and my washed out appearance. That one moment got me thinking. Why do I not consider myself beautiful. I know I'm not unattractive, but I've never understood how people call me down right "beautiful." Something has happened in my mind. I have a warped self image. How do I fix this? I tried walking by the mirror again several times and I could not bring myself to see what I had just a few minutes before, but what has been seen cannot be unseen. I now know I am beautiful, and nothing can take that away. I think now, I must fight a battle of perception. Every time I hear a negative thought, I must remind myself it is not true. I have seen my beauty, I must remember what is true. I shall maintain my mission for better health, I want to live a long life. This goal is no longer superficial though, I am not working out and eating healthy to look pretty...I already am. I am seeking to care for myself, not to impress others. I think this realization is one of the greatest I've had during this year to renewing my faith in love.

Lesson:

What has been seen cannot be unseen.